Week 3

Well- I am on week 3. I can definatly say that it is not what I expected. I thought I would come here and everything would be great, and I would be soo happy. Wow- was I wrong. I knew I didnt like change- but this is big big big change. It is going to take a long time to get use to this. I am working at Subway until I find something more permanent, and that pays some more. I only live with these roommates for another 2weeks- and then I have to find another place to live. I had an offer to live in a 2 bedroom apt with 1 other roommate, but I really think I need to be with more people in a home, so that I dont isolate, and lock myself in my room. I have a place that I can go- with 6 other girls. I would be sharing a room. My only downfall is that you have to pay 500 deposit and 300 for rent. That would be 800 out of my pocket at once- and I just dont want to do that- because then I would be left with very little. Hopefully God comes thru and helps me find a better job!!

I wont lie- I am struggling. I am having a hard time adjusting and being ok. I think it will better once I get into a core group and start to make friends. Its just hard because I go to work, and then come home and sit in my room all night. I dont think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I just really need some strength and peace. Well thats pretty much all I have to say for now!

Seriously- What the heck am I doing wrong?

I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I am getting nowhere. I thought I was ok after I hung out with Ashley and Jenna. But its not better. It takes everything in me to not break down. I cant even hang out with anyone, because all I think about is how miserable I am. I am battling so many fights in my head. It really stinks when you can hear satans voice so much louder than God. I constantly hear- this isnt going to work, you are a failure and always will be, no one cares, no one loves you, just give up, you are a loser, you will never get to where you want to be, you are stupid, you never will amount to anything- those are just a few examples. I have soooo much negativity and I cant take it anymore. I ask God to hear him louder and to come close to me. I just need Him to hold me and show me the love He has. I just cant grasp it. I am so depressed and just wish I wasnt here anymore. I would never do anything to harm myself, but I just have those moments where i really think it would be better and easier if I were not here. I go to the services and they are really good, but then I get home and I am so much more depressed than I was. I see all these healings and happy people- and I want that soo bad. I just dont know what I am doing wrong. Why cant I have that. Why cant I be full? I am so empty. My love tank is empty and so bone dry that I wouldnt even know what to do with it if i had it. I just feel I am wearing my friend down- so I guess the best thing to do is isolate and leave them alone. They have there own stuff, and its not fair if I do that to them. Its prob best if I just dont have friends right now. AAAAHHHH I am so lost. And everyone says ask God, talk to God, be with Him- I really am trying but am getting nowhere! HELP

I made it to CA

Ok- so I made it to California. I dont want to ever take that road trip again. I hate road trips! I love Ashley to death for going with me- because without her I would have never taken the trip. I truly apologize to Ashley for having to put up with me. I was really fighting battles in my head the whole way there. Every part of me wanted to shut down, and was shutting down. Ashley prob never wants to ever take another trip with me- EVER.

So the trip started out with Ashley and I going to Panera. When we came out to the car there was a huge and I mean huge beetle on the floor. Ashley tried to get it, but it escaped under the seat. We both had the heebe jeebes! So about an hour later, Ashley moved her purse, and the beetle was crawling on her leg! EWWWW- Well thankfully we let him out and we were on our way.

The first night we stayed with Ashley's friend Katy Joy. I am very thankful that we had a place to stay for a night because it really saves money. The next night we were soooo tired, and decided to stop at a Motel 6. Can I just say- SICK! The floors were wood floors and they were not clean. The lamps didnt work by the bed, and Ashley found a bug in her bed. Needless to say- We didnt really sleep- which did not make for a good road trip. So we were on our way again. Our plan was to try to go as long as we could till we got to CA- but about 9 ish- I couldnt take it anymore- I didnt care where we stopped- but I was tired and ready to be done! We stopped in Nevada at a Days Inn- It was soooooo nice and we slept like babies! We then had 8 hrs to go! I had horrible stomach pains all the way there. I dont know if it was gas, stress, or what. I could not get relief.

We made it to California about 7 at night. I was so overwhelemed instead of excited. I couldnt process- All I wanted to do was cry. I then left to go to my new place and new roommates. I got there- and met my 4 roommates- They are really nice and very supportive. I took a shower, and then went to my room and cried the rest of the night. The next day I looked for jobs, and have been ever since. I swear that everytime that I am alone I cry cry cry. Just when I dont think that I have anymore to cry- then I lose it once again. I want to pack my bags and just go back home. I know this isnt the right thing to do, but man I just cant seem to be happy. I hope that it gets better. So I will keep everyone posted- but for now- I just better stop cause I am not exactly in the right mind!

Just my luck!

So I think my luck is going downhill. I took my car in last week to get my rim replaced because I bent it awhile ago hitting a lovely pothole. So I finally got that fixed hoping it would take away the low pressure air light in my car. The next day I took it to my dealership to get my car looked at because the clock went out and also my steering wheel was making noise. They checked it out and said that the 2 things were under warranty. The good thing is that he only charged me half of what they said they were going to charge me! I guess God was looking out for my finances! But then he said my tire pressure light is on. They checked it out and said that I had a hole in my tire! Well isnt that special! I was just at the tire place yesterday- and they just left it like that! So I left there and took my car in and told them that they just replaced the rim yesterday, and the same tire has a hole in it. I was not happy. They looked in there inventory and said- I am sorry we dont carry a tire in that size! SPLENDID! So I had to drive all the way to South Bend to get the tire replaced. Thank God I bought the warranty on the tire. The only good news that came out of this was that I got to hang out with Chasity and Jerry. And I also got to meet Elizabeth (my next possible roommate). When I was with Elizabeth we took a long walk on the East Race. I love to walk- but the next day my muscles were sore. It has been about 4 days since then, and now I have this really horrific pain in my pelvic bone. I dont know if I pulled a muscle or popped a joint. All I know is it takes my breath away if i move the wrong way. So now I get to go to the doctor again and get a possible xray! Why is it when I get ready to go out of town or move that all of the sudden things go downhill? GGRRRRRR
So I am waiting for parts to come in for the car, and waiting to go to the doctor in a few hours! YAY ME!!!! Do you sense the sarcasm?

Thank you Jesus!!!!!!!!

Jesus is so good to me! Sometimes I think He is like- Stephanie let me show you what I can do if you just trust me! I have definatley been blessed this week! I recieved 2 calls about housing! YAY! I am going to live with 4 other girls in a house for a month! Then I will go from there about what to do next! But at least I know where I am going! I also got an email about a job. I am going to call them for an interview once I get there! My dad had surgery on his heart yesterday, and he came home today! Thank you Jesus!!!! So needless to say- I have had a mostly good week! All it took was just a little bit of faith that things were going to be ok! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

12 days left until I leave for CA

Oh what I would give for just a few hours of peace.

Well, I have 12 days left until I leave for CA. I have so many mixed emotions. I am not going to lie- my negatives outweigh my positives. I just keep telling myself God is in control. If I say this enough, just maybe one day I will finally believe it. I am getting a little worried, because I still dont have a place to live. The people that I have talked to emailed me and said that they found roommates. I am also worried about finances and how I am going to afford all of this? I just pray that I find a good paying job, but when I look on job sites online- the pay rate doesnt look so promising. I just wish that I could trust God with everything. I know that doubt, fear, worry, and unbelief are not of God- but how the heck do I get them out of my head? PRAY PRAY PRAY- I really am trying- but I just cant get the negativity and unbelief out of my head. I just dont understand how God is so big, and mighty to do all of this for me.....Please God help me to trust you with every single part of me. I declare that I am going to be a free woman. I pray that the enemy has no part of me and my mind! please please please help me!

Relief!!!

Its been a few days since I wrote. I just want to say thank you for all those that have been praying for me. God does answer prayers! I am a definatley calmer this week than last week. My mind is at a point where I can process things one at a time; which is a plus! I only have 17 days left until I leave for CA. I was going thru some more of my stuff, and getting rid of stuff! WOW reality is really starting to hit. I need to visit with my friends that live here, and I need to spend time with my family! AHH Its a good thing, not a negative thing. Is this really coming out of my mouth? God is starting to give me a little peace about certain things! If you could all just keep me in your prayers about finding a place to live, and a job- that would be amazing! I am still having trouble really trusting God without doubt and fear. But I am on the right path. I just keep telling myself, no matter how much I doubt it- GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!!!!!!!

Compliments, positives, and recieving them....

Last night at work we had a group. Everyone takes a piece of paper. Then you write one positive thing about your self on it and sign your name. You then keep passing the paper around the room, and everyone else puts positive things about you, but they dont sign there name. When you get all the way around the room, you end up with yours. You have to pick 2 that really stand out to you. I got mine back and was like- I dont really believe any of them. Here are the positives that people put-

1. I love how detailed you are and how you jumo into help everyone out without asking
2. You are a bright loveable person
3. You are such a calm person and I love your faith
4. I love your laugh
5. You have charisma
6. You are a great person in general
7. You are a great person and have too much to offer
8. You believe so strongly in your faith and you believe in us here. It helps me to continue forward.
9. You are very truthfull and helpful and nice to me, You are a good person to talk to.
10. I appreciate you always waling on the unit with BIG smile
11. I love how you are funny and outgoing, and how you are willing to help people when they are down.
12. You make me laugh and I can really trust you
13. You are humorous and I think everyone needs a little of that in their life. I really like that about you.
14. You are intelligent
15. You are very safisticated and you are hilarious
Here is an emotional gift that a girl gave me last night because she was leaving!
Stephanie I give you the gift of a cross. I want you to paint the cross with all the beautiful colors of your life.

Why cant I recieve any of this. I looke at each on and am like- WHAT! It makes me want to take a big read marker over it and put LIAR. I have believed every negative thing that comes my way, that I cannot believe any of this. Whats wrong with me?

Inspiration

A friend sent me this article- Wow I totally needed this! Good words!

What You Need to Know About Being Bold and Fearless - NEW!by Joyce Meyer

Bold: to be brave, daring, courageous, intrepid, valiant. God is calling us to be bold. If you have the tendency to not take chances in life because you’re afraid of making mistakes, God wants you to know He’s pleased with you when you try. It doesn’t matter if you don’t do everything exactly right. What matters is that you step out in faith, believing God will help you! Second Timothy 1:7 says that God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power—and He wants us to use it! It doesn’t take courage to do what we already know we can do. True courage is displayed when you’re afraid to do something but you go ahead and do it anyway. The truth is, we don’t ever have to fear because we can ask God for His help anytime we need it. Taking the Focus Off of Performance There are so many people who are so afraid of making a mistake that they don’t do anything. Instead, they sit around saying, “What if I’m wrong?” Well, we’re human. We’re going to make mistakes and look silly from time to time. We can be so afraid of being judged or criticized or getting laughed at. But the only thing fear does in our lives is stop our progress. What matters to God is relationship…not performance. God knows we aren’t perfect, and He’s totally okay with it. The problem is, the devil knows it too, and he does his best to tell us every step of the way! We can be going along, serving God, doing good, stepping out in faith and then all of a sudden, without there being any justification for it, we’ll have a day or week when we have an attack on our mind about fear. That’s when we need to say what God’s Word tells us: The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. — 2 Corinthians 10:4,5 NIV Honesty Outweighs Perfection We can care too much about what people think of us to the point where it totally immobilizes us and we are petrified about looking wrong. But do you know what? I think if we are more truthful, we will actually get more respect than we do by trying to hide everything, pretending we’re perfect. I believe one of the main reasons people like to listen to me is that I tell all my junk. It helps them to relax, to relate to me, and offers them hope that if I can do some of the things I’ve done and make it, so can they. We need to stop living in fear of making mistakes, because we will make mistakes—period. God is not asking us to not make any mistakes. He’s calling us to be bold—fearless in approaching Him, in stepping out in faith, and in trusting Him to lead us.

Does anyone understand?

I havent really posted anything in the last 3 days is because- well- there hasnt been any change. I am still feeling awful. I am so tired of being depressed. I did finally call my dr back a day early and told her I really need something now, because what they are giving me is still not working. She talked with the director, and he wants to put me on another mood stabilizer. What the heck? I dont want to take 2 different meds. I barely like to take the one I am on. It just means its going to be harder to ween myself off of 2 meds. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit the one I am on cold turkey. Honestly I dont think it does any good, considering everyone that I talk to tells me I am either a mess, or a grouch. Or people say- I want the old Stephanie back? You know what- the old Stephanie is the same now as she was 15 yrs ago- So I dont know what they are talking about? I am so sorry that I am sad all the time, or cover it up with anger because i dont want to show that emotion. Do you seriously think I want to be this way? Just try a day in my shoes- you would have wished you were never born. I am tired of not sleeping, im tired of crying, I am tired of my mind going faster than I can put it together. Does anyone get it? Does anyone understand? UGH

Lonely

Today I am extremely lonely. I wish that I was always busy, and always had plans. I get sick of sitting at home doing nothing. Its not any fun doing things by myself, because I just get to thinking and then feel worse about myself. I like texting, but sometimes I would just really like people to call me. I feel like a robot when I text. The only good thing about texting is that it can hide your emotions. If I am crying or upset, then no one knows it because they cant hear me. I maybe get to have a phone conversation with friends maybe once every 2 weeks. And the only reason I get that is because I tell the person I need to talk. I really dont think anyone would call unless I initiated it. I sometimes wonder if the reason why I dont get phone calls is because I am a broken record- always down, always complaining, and always negative. Who wants to hear that? So I guess its all my fault. One day I hope to have some kind of happiness in my life. One day?????????????????????

Temptation, Sin, and Urges

I am dealing with so much temptaion, so much sin, and so many urges. I try to pray, but I feel I am getting no where. So I looked up these verses, which helped some. I ask people to hold me acountable, but then that is not always easy getting it out. Sometimes, I just feel like all of this is a waste. Because in the end- I give in; which then leads to shame and guilt.
Sometimes I feel that I can cover a sin up by doing something a little better than the sin, temptation, or urge that I have. Its like a cover up. But is there one sin greater than the other? I think there are, but thats not what God thinks.

Here are some verses that may or may not help.

"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You."
Psalms 119:11

"He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion."
Proverbs 28:13

"For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace."
Romans 6:14

"Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."
1 Corinthians 10:12, 13

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. In addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." Ephesians 6:10-11, 16

"For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted."
Hebrews 2:18

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him."
James 1:2-3, 12

"Let no one say when he is tempted, I am being tempted by God; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust."
James 1:13, 14

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9

"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."
James 4:7

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 1:6-7

"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world."
1 Peter 5:8-9

"Then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation."
2 Peter 2:9a

"You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world."
1 John 4:4

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty."
Jude 24-25a

God speaks through songs

Today was an ok day... I still feel really blah and really lost. The morning went pretty fast. I heard a song that I havent heard in a long time called Holy Visitation by Rita Spinger. I really needed to hear that. The words this time really hit me. I WAS MADE FOR WAR, I WAS MADE FOR BATTLE- I needed that- I know I am in a battle- and to know that I am made for war makes me have a little hope that I can fight thru this! RELEASE THE CRIES, RELEASE THE BROKEN, RELEASE THE CAPTIVE! POUR IT OUT- POUR IT OUT- POUR IT OUT!
I have heard a lot of songs lately that have really just spoke to me.
Rebecca St. James says its hard to worship God when we feel like we are in a battle. She says maybe God is more honored when we worship in the pain, and in the valley than when we worship Him in the mountains. A quote that she read was this....Suffering can often produce great depths of character, mature understanding, warm compassion, and rich spirituality.We should rejoice that in heaven we shall finally be set free from all pain and tears, that suffering can make us more like Christ, the size and radiance of the diamond is caused by a lump of coal subjected to extreme pressure and heat over a long period of time again a beautiful pearl emerges when an oyster has to cover an irritating object with layer upon layer of smooth mother of pearl lining taken from its own body. When we suffer in various ways, God is able to use all precious irritations to reveal something of His radiance and beauty in our lives!
One of the songs she sings is called Forgive Me. It took me awhile to catch on. The song talks about asking God for forgiveness for pain, for shame, for tears, for hurt.. So you get the point. I never really thought that I was hurting God by all this? Wow- I have 16 years of baggage and 16 years of pain and depression. I am overwhelmed by the amount of times I have failed God and hurt Him. I am going to just need to process this bit by bit and take baby steps. I don't think of it hurting God, I think of it as God hurting me. I blame Him for the pain in my life. I dont understand it? The more and more stuff that is revealed to me, just makes my mind turn a little more and more. I am not ready for all of this at once. I just need baby bites of it. One thing at a time. AHHH Wow- I am one messed up person- Sorry for the negativity- but jeesh....I have had enough revealed to me. I need a little break from all the insanity. Alright so emotions are rising, and I dont need to think about anymore right now- so this is where I will have to end the blog.

The visit to the Doctor

So most of you know, but for those that dont. I have bipolar. Its not the extreme bipolar- I think I have the bipolar 1- but who cares which one. I dont like either one. So I went to my psychologist/psychiatrist/behaviorist- Whatever you want to call her. I go about once a month to check on meds and make sure they are doing ok. Well this time I waited a little longer, which was the wrong thing to do. Every time you go- you have to fill out a little questionaire- It asks you about anxiety and depression and makes you rate it. Well needless to say- my numbers doubled. Thats not a good thing. I told her I feel like I am losing it. I told her of some of the thoughts that go thru my head, the panic attacks- and the look on her face was like- uh oh! Then she told me- dont wait for 3 weeks- call right away. She then left the room to talk to the main Dr- I thought I was ok, and then I lost it. I couldnt stop crying. I was so scared to tell her those feelings, because i didnt want to end up in a mental hospital like i was 7 years ago.
When she came in the room, she was really nice. She told me that sometimes meds get immune to your body and then need adjusted. The problem is that they can only adjust them 50mg at a time. She said that my body prob needs about 200 to 300 mg to feel right and keep the mood stabilized. I am at 100- so now she upped it to 150. I call back in a week, and take another questionaire, and then they bump it up again. Ugh- I dont know if I can wait that long. I am miserable now...GRRR - So I am bummed that the meds are up once again. I hope one day i can ween myself off of them completely. I dont want to take meds all my life.

Another day of hell

Ok so today isnt any better than yesterday. The mind is still crazy. I didnt go to bed till 3 AM because my mind wont stop. I would love to tell you what my mind is saying, but because of lack of trust- I cant. I have been hurt to many times telling people what I feel, and then end up in a mental hospital, or lost friends. So I am just going to refrain myself. I am tired of crying, tired of this crap!

Beauty from pain- Superchick

This song is so something that I relate to.

The lights go out all around meOne last candle to keep out the nightAnd then the darkness surrounds meI know I'm aliveBut I feel like I diedAnd all that's left is to accept that it's overMy dreams ran like sand through the fists that I madeI try to keep warm but I just grow colderI feel like I'm slipping awayAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my painMy whole world is the pain inside meThe best I can do is just get through the dayWhen life before is only a memoryI wonder why God lets me walk through this placeAnd though I can't understand why this happenedI know that I will when I look back somedayAnd see how you've brought beauty from ashesAnd made me as gold purified through these flamesAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my painHere I am at the end of meTrying to hold to what I can't seeI forgot how to hopeThis night's been so longI cling to your promiseThere will be a dawnAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my pain

I hurt...

Ok- I have tried to type out this blog about 4 times and then deleted it. I am having a lot of anxiety about putting my feelings down on paper. I am trying to cover it up and hide my emotions. I am guarding it because of what others might think. Its a big trust issue....but here goes.. I am feeling like I am alone in this process that I am going through. I feel helpless. I want to be happy. I want these thoughts to go out of my head. My heart is hurting. My insides are screaming for help, I just cant bring it to the surface. I am so tired of being depressed, tired of feeling helpless, tired of feeling lost and all alone. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends. I know that God is there- or is He? Its not that- I just feel like I need someone every second of the day today. I crave relationship today. I crave comfort. But I hide all of this and act like everything is ok- when its not. But I think its better to hide, because then I dont drain anyone of everything they have. I dont want to hear that God is going to take care of me- I want to see it, and right not I dont see anything but darkness. I think I am just going to stop for now. I have dug deep enough.

Words Words Words

So I was sitting in a womens meeting and God told me to write down these words. Or maybe it was just me- who knows. Well there is the doubt again...

fear, love, guilt, shame, forgive, surrender, sacrifice, commit, regret, hope, condemed, peace, rest, joy, content, understanding, happiness, sorrow, resist, damaged, shattered, broken, used, beautiful, desperation, renewed, undeserving, transparent, justified, grief, heavy, real, dicernment, darkness, decieved, lies, truth, hate, demonic, freedom, misery, filled, fire, luke warm, indecisive, unbelief, burden, torn, unwilling, worthless, ruined, wholeness.

Dont really know what any of this means? I can tell you that I deal with all of the negative- but the positives are not me- I dont feel love, hope, peace, rested, joy, content, understanding, happiness, beautiful, renewed, real, freedom, filled, and whole... I dont know im confsued- but I thought I would put this in here anyways.

Fear, Faith, Trust, and Doubt. AHHH

So I am having some problems with fear, faith, doubt, and trust. So to try to make this part short- I am having fear of leaving, fear of failure, fear that its going to be ok, doubt that it will never work, doubt that God will heal me, doubt that He is going to provide, faith that He is able, faith that he loves me, faith that I am going to be ok, trust that he loves me, trust that He is going to take care of me- get it? Ok then- lets move on.

I looked up the word trust- The definition is a firm belief in anothers honesty, ability or integrity. You believe that someone will do exactly what he says- no matter what. Another version says that doubt will never enter your mind. Now- put that in some God terms- and it means I need to trust God completely, and believe in His word, and believe that what He said he was going to do- He is going to do- NO MATTTER WHAT WITHOUT DOUBT! That is a lot to take in. I am kinda sorry I even looked it up. God is really trying to speak to me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path. HMMMMM

So to trust with my whole heart is to abandon myself to Him. Funny how surrendering and abandon come up once again if you read my last blog.

OK so now to faith: Faith is my surrender to God. Because I know I must belong to Him, and anything less than unconditional surrender is sin. Faith is being plugged into Gods life. Fear is not of God. Fear is faith in what satan says. So I am having some trouble with this, but I thought I would throw it all in there- and maybe one day I will come back to this and figure it out.

So then I came across this too- I can stand still in his purpose. I can stand by faith in the certainty that God is going to win. Stand in victory.
So If I can stand still and be still with what he is telling me, then I can have faith that it will work out and then I will receive the victory- WOW- I cant take it in, I cant believe this, but I guess I will have to come back to this later. I am sorry if my true honesty is coming out, but this is just something that is not piercing my brain. I have enough to think about now, and I definatley am not ready to take a step more into this.

So I was reading Proverbs and came across this...

My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carfully to my words. Dont lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the couse of your life. Avoid all perverse talk: stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straightpath for your feet: stay on the safe path. Dont get sidetracked: keep your feet from following evil.

This is my thoughts on this- I am listening to God. I feel though as if he is fading away. Instead of letting them penetrate my heart, I am letting them flow into my awful mind which then everything gets distorted. I am guarding my heart, but only to protect it from the twisted things hidden in the roots. Sidetracked- I am way sidetracked.

So when I think of going to CA- I think is it really going to work this time, am I really going to be healed, is it going to fail. I feel like a failure, and I feel there is no hope. But then I am reminded of a song.

ITS GONNA BE WORTH IT

I don’t understand Your ways Oh, but I will give You my song I’ll give You all of my praise You hold on to all my pain And with it You are pulling me closer And pulling me into Your ways Now around ev’ry corner And up ev’ry mountain I’m not looking for crowns Or the water from fountains I’m desp’rate in seeking, frantic, believing That the sight of Your face is all that I’m needing I will say to You It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all I believe this It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all

Jesus........Please help me to understand, please help me to trust without fear and doubt. Please just help me cause I am falling. I am fading, and I dont like this pit I am in. Pull me out and show me your ways. PLEASE!

My Journey

Where to begin...... Lets just say it all started with my trip to visit Ashley and Jenna. I was on my way to visit them, and them only- I will explain later. What can I say, California is beautiful, breathtaking, and amazing! The first couple days were good, and it was all a normal visit- that is until my mind started racing, and crazy things were going through my head. It was like God was saying- You didnt just come here to visit, you came here to be with me, and I want to show you some things. I was fighting this battle in my head- I didnt want God anymore. I was without Him and church for 10 months, and I didnt need Him now. I mean I am a christian and all, but thats all I wanted. I didnt seek anymore than I had to. It felt like satan had 3/4 of my heart, and God was pulling the other part. I thought, its ok no one will know. I will ignore God and it will be ok. But the thoughts wouldnt stop as we were driving back to the house. Suddenly, Ashley put her hand on my head and didnt say anything. I was kind of in shock. It was like God telling her- put your hand on her head and make her stop the battle that is going on in her head.



I might have my days confused, but it doesnt matter because it will all fit toghether. On Friday Ashley and I went to church. I kind of was stubborn, yet curious. Part of me wanted to go just to observe, but part of me didnt want to go- because I didnt want that continual battle in my head. We went, I observed, and service was over. After church I was meeting some of Ashley's friends. The last lady, (forgive me I forgot her name) came up to me and said- I have a word for you. I was like- Oh Jesus- you are not winning this battle- I am. So I listened and wasnt going to be rude. I cant remember word for word- but I remembered the significant part- She said I know you came here with a lot of dissapointment, and you have lots of dissapointment in your life. You came here with an expectation- and God is going to fill that expectation in your life. As much as I didnt want to believe what she was saying was true-deep down she hit it right on the head.

So I had a lot to think about......Great just what I wanted- a little more think time- as if my mind wasnt already crazy.

The whole trip was amazing, dont get me wrong- I loved every moment of quality time with Ashley and Jenna. I loved the mountains, the water, the crazy times, and the laughs. At the same time, I felt like I was going to lose it. I was going to explode. My mind would not turn off. I wanted to be able to talk and have a good time- but I couldnt even spit anything out of my mouth because my mind was saying enough.



Saturday night my mind was a volcano of emotions, and I knew I needed to express what was going thru my head. Jenna and I stayed up till about 1 am talking and trying to process these crazy thoughts that were cycling in my head. I just felt like I didnt want to give in to God, because I have tried before and it always leads to failure in the end. I felt like a broken record, so Jenna fell asleep. I layed there and the more I thought the worse it became. I began to get scared. Everyone was sleeping, I am in a dark room, and I feel I am being attacked. I felt like satan was sitting on the edge of my bed breathing on me. I was having a panic attack and no one knew it. I wanted to go out to the living room to see if Ashley was awake because I needed this to stop. About the min I was going to get up- I heard Ashley yell from the living room "Jesus!!!!!!!!" I was like- ok something is not right. I just kind of layed there and thought it will go away. A few min later Ashley walked in the room looking for her computer. She saw that I was awake, and we talked and prayed. Keep in mind it was 1:23? There is something signifigant about this time. Read on. She went back to sleep, and I was up all night. Not a lick of sleep.



Now comes sunday. Im exhausted and its time for church....Honestly- I could barley keep my eyes open. I was so tired, and just wanted some dang peace. Just a silence in my brain. AHHHH!

We went to a cookout that night and it went ok. My mind was still an utter mess. During dinner, one of the little boys walked up and said I have a word for you. I was like- Jesus- are you serious- we are not going here again. The little boy began to explain that there was a plane that flew by and dropped a seed. There was a chicken, a dove, and a lion. The three animals were racing to try to get the seed. The lion and the dove were to slow, but the chicken or maybe it was a rooster- was on the ground going crazy looking for the seed- but what he didnt realize is that he already had swallowed it. We asked the boy what this meant. He said he thinks it means that sometimes the things that we need are right there, but we are in such a hurry that we dont realize we already have it. It is so true- I want God, and I feel like he is not here, and I search and search and no result- but I was in such a hurry for a result- but come to realize that He was there the whole time. There is so much more than just this, but for right now- thats all I am going to say about this.

While I was there we went to a womens group. I have had enough. I told myself I was not going to participate, I was just going to observe. It just amazed me that these women can be so drunk for God. They have so much love and so much grace. I want that, I want to be free. Why couldnt God do that for me? WHY?

God told me while I was there to look up the word abandonment. I was like ok- but i dont really have a problem with this. I looked the word up and looked up the definition. Wow- what I was about to be revealed to me was peer and utter shock. Ok- so there are several definitons-

1. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as result of danger or threat.

2. To surrender ones claim to right to- give up entirely.

3. To yeild completley to emotion.

The next word that came to me was relinquish.

1. to retire from, glue up or abandon

2. To put aside to let go or surrender

Ok so now I am back to surrender and abandon- SURRENDER? I get it God - you want me to surrender to you and follow you- Funny sense of humor!

So then I was like what is cease? To put and end to something or discontinue- So God wants me to put and end to this battle and obsession I have.

ok so then desist and resist- WHAT? To cease doing something to hold oneself back.

YOU CANT CHANGE WHAT YOU DONT ACCEPT! RESISTING AND DENYING ASPECTS OF YOURSELF WONT GET YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN LIFE.

Nice- So I am totally getting it. - God is like wait- look up Isaiah 54: 4-6- Fear not for you shall not be ashamed, neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame, For you shall forget the shame of your youth and you shall not seriously remember the reproach of your widowhead anymore.

So God knows I am depressed, knows that I should not remember and dwell on my past abuse, and is telling me to surrender. HMMMM

Ok so I had to share this with someone- so Ashley and I sat down and talked. It was ok- and then it got really deep and we talked about some deep stuff that was buried deep down inside of me that was not suppose to come out. It was extremely hard, and difficult. We talked about not just taking care of the surface, but diggingto the root of the problem. That scares me to death. I will talk about that at another time.

That night was my last night there until I had to fly back. My heart was torn, my mind was shattered, and I felt defeated. I was a mess. Ashley annointed me and prayed with me, and then turned on some soaking music. I layed there and kept hearing satan saying in my head- you will never win, you never do. I couldnt take it anymore, and I yelled STOP! AHHHHH I cant take this battle. I finally fell asleep and had a dream that God picked me up and was raising me to heaven. I was like yes- finally- and then I was dropped- I was so scared- I woke up and I was freaked out. Ashley and I began to talk and I told her of the dream- when I was done we both heard a huge noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like something fell. I walked in the kitchen and nothing had moved, nothing in the fridge , or counters, NOTHING? What was that? I dont know but it wasnt a good feeling. Ashley looked at her clock and it was 1:23 again? What does this 1:23 mean? Well I tried to go back to sleep, but it was short lived because we had to leave at 2:30 in the morning to get to the airport on time.



I didnt have a good feeling about this flight. I didnt want to go home. I didnt think I was suppose to go home. I had an amazing talk with Ashley once again about some pretty deep stuff. I got to the airport. Ashley leaves....I get ready to check in and the lady was completley rude- I did not get a good vibe. I am already crying because I just had to say goodbye. You think she could have a little compassion? Jeesh. So then I check in, go thru security, get in line and get ready to get on flight. The lady say so rudely- you cant get on this flight. You are not dressed properly. I was like- this is not happening. Since I was a companion for United- I was suppose to dress up. To make a long story short, I was treated like crap and sent away to buy some shoes and dress pants. Ashley had to come back to the airport, pick me up and go buy clothes. Once again I was back at the airport. I checked in, and sat waiting for my next flight. I was sitting there thinking- Jesus- am I suppose to leave? I really wish Ashley could be up here with me with my mind in puzzles. Just then- I hear Stephanie Huffman- please meet someone at the end of security. I came down the escalator- and there is Ashley! Did He hear me? We left the airport and had some time together again. I then had to say goodbye to her for the third time. UGH- my stomach is already in shambles from all the God encounters that week.



Ok i am now on my flight now half dead from complete and utter exhaustion. I arrive in Chicago- my dad gets completley lost. Are you kidding me? My dad never gets lost. This was another sign I was not suppose to leave. I get home, I sleep and I live my week out.



I listened to Joyce Meyer Cd's listened to songs- and I felt God tell me- Stephanie, you need to move out there for healing. I kind of ignored it. Then a couple days later I was texting Ashley. I went to work, and then God was like- I want you to go look at your phone and see what time you sent that text. WHAT? So I did- it was sent at 123 pm- Ok so now I am like what does this 123 mean? 123 GO? Ready set go? I looked up some verses that had 123 in them, and it was all about hearing God? HMMM So then the next day I was like- ok God- if you want me to really go and this isnt just me- then you have to be really clear- just then a huge pile of rugs clonked me on the head. Ok I heard Him loud and clear. So I knew that I was going. I would hear songs about journeys, and songs about listening to God, and messages about journies. What more clarity do I need. Did I mention its hard for me to trust- I needed more clarity.....

It has been about 3 weeks since I went to see Ashley and Jenna. And now I feel as if I am at a point of giving up. Just forget California, and do it my way. WHY? It is because I am scared to death to come there and let my emotions shine. I am scared to dig deep and get the crap out. I am scared to trust others and trust God that I am really going to be healed this time. I dont want to go back to that deep dark evil place. My mind is spinning and I am sick, and i mean sick of it. I really need some break-thru. I am tired of the long nights of staying awake, I am tired of crying my self to sleep, I am tired of not being able to control the crazy thoughts that fly into my mind.

So I asked God last night to give me a dream or something to just let me know its going to be ok, and that this trip is what He really wants. You want to know what happened...... He woke me up at exactly 1:23 AM- If that was not God, then I am just crazy. So I am on my way. I leave July 23. Jesus please help me because my mind is soooooo lost.