Where to begin...... Lets just say it all started with my trip to visit Ashley and Jenna. I was on my way to visit them, and them only- I will explain later. What can I say, California is beautiful, breathtaking, and amazing! The first couple days were good, and it was all a normal visit- that is until my mind started racing, and crazy things were going through my head. It was like God was saying- You didnt just come here to visit, you came here to be with me, and I want to show you some things. I was fighting this battle in my head- I didnt want God anymore. I was without Him and church for 10 months, and I didnt need Him now. I mean I am a christian and all, but thats all I wanted. I didnt seek anymore than I had to. It felt like satan had 3/4 of my heart, and God was pulling the other part. I thought, its ok no one will know. I will ignore God and it will be ok. But the thoughts wouldnt stop as we were driving back to the house. Suddenly, Ashley put her hand on my head and didnt say anything. I was kind of in shock. It was like God telling her- put your hand on her head and make her stop the battle that is going on in her head.
I might have my days confused, but it doesnt matter because it will all fit toghether. On Friday Ashley and I went to church. I kind of was stubborn, yet curious. Part of me wanted to go just to observe, but part of me didnt want to go- because I didnt want that continual battle in my head. We went, I observed, and service was over. After church I was meeting some of Ashley's friends. The last lady, (forgive me I forgot her name) came up to me and said- I have a word for you. I was like- Oh Jesus- you are not winning this battle- I am. So I listened and wasnt going to be rude. I cant remember word for word- but I remembered the significant part- She said I know you came here with a lot of dissapointment, and you have lots of dissapointment in your life. You came here with an expectation- and God is going to fill that expectation in your life. As much as I didnt want to believe what she was saying was true-deep down she hit it right on the head.
So I had a lot to think about......Great just what I wanted- a little more think time- as if my mind wasnt already crazy.
The whole trip was amazing, dont get me wrong- I loved every moment of quality time with Ashley and Jenna. I loved the mountains, the water, the crazy times, and the laughs. At the same time, I felt like I was going to lose it. I was going to explode. My mind would not turn off. I wanted to be able to talk and have a good time- but I couldnt even spit anything out of my mouth because my mind was saying enough.
Saturday night my mind was a volcano of emotions, and I knew I needed to express what was going thru my head. Jenna and I stayed up till about 1 am talking and trying to process these crazy thoughts that were cycling in my head. I just felt like I didnt want to give in to God, because I have tried before and it always leads to failure in the end. I felt like a broken record, so Jenna fell asleep. I layed there and the more I thought the worse it became. I began to get scared. Everyone was sleeping, I am in a dark room, and I feel I am being attacked. I felt like satan was sitting on the edge of my bed breathing on me. I was having a panic attack and no one knew it. I wanted to go out to the living room to see if Ashley was awake because I needed this to stop. About the min I was going to get up- I heard Ashley yell from the living room "Jesus!!!!!!!!" I was like- ok something is not right. I just kind of layed there and thought it will go away. A few min later Ashley walked in the room looking for her computer. She saw that I was awake, and we talked and prayed. Keep in mind it was 1:23? There is something signifigant about this time. Read on. She went back to sleep, and I was up all night. Not a lick of sleep.
Now comes sunday. Im exhausted and its time for church....Honestly- I could barley keep my eyes open. I was so tired, and just wanted some dang peace. Just a silence in my brain. AHHHH!
We went to a cookout that night and it went ok. My mind was still an utter mess. During dinner, one of the little boys walked up and said I have a word for you. I was like- Jesus- are you serious- we are not going here again. The little boy began to explain that there was a plane that flew by and dropped a seed. There was a chicken, a dove, and a lion. The three animals were racing to try to get the seed. The lion and the dove were to slow, but the chicken or maybe it was a rooster- was on the ground going crazy looking for the seed- but what he didnt realize is that he already had swallowed it. We asked the boy what this meant. He said he thinks it means that sometimes the things that we need are right there, but we are in such a hurry that we dont realize we already have it. It is so true- I want God, and I feel like he is not here, and I search and search and no result- but I was in such a hurry for a result- but come to realize that He was there the whole time. There is so much more than just this, but for right now- thats all I am going to say about this.
While I was there we went to a womens group. I have had enough. I told myself I was not going to participate, I was just going to observe. It just amazed me that these women can be so drunk for God. They have so much love and so much grace. I want that, I want to be free. Why couldnt God do that for me? WHY?
God told me while I was there to look up the word abandonment. I was like ok- but i dont really have a problem with this. I looked the word up and looked up the definition. Wow- what I was about to be revealed to me was peer and utter shock. Ok- so there are several definitons-
1. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as result of danger or threat.
2. To surrender ones claim to right to- give up entirely.
3. To yeild completley to emotion.
The next word that came to me was relinquish.
1. to retire from, glue up or abandon
2. To put aside to let go or surrender
Ok so now I am back to surrender and abandon- SURRENDER? I get it God - you want me to surrender to you and follow you- Funny sense of humor!
So then I was like what is cease? To put and end to something or discontinue- So God wants me to put and end to this battle and obsession I have.
ok so then desist and resist- WHAT? To cease doing something to hold oneself back.
YOU CANT CHANGE WHAT YOU DONT ACCEPT! RESISTING AND DENYING ASPECTS OF YOURSELF WONT GET YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN LIFE.
Nice- So I am totally getting it. - God is like wait- look up Isaiah 54: 4-6- Fear not for you shall not be ashamed, neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame, For you shall forget the shame of your youth and you shall not seriously remember the reproach of your widowhead anymore.
So God knows I am depressed, knows that I should not remember and dwell on my past abuse, and is telling me to surrender. HMMMM
Ok so I had to share this with someone- so Ashley and I sat down and talked. It was ok- and then it got really deep and we talked about some deep stuff that was buried deep down inside of me that was not suppose to come out. It was extremely hard, and difficult. We talked about not just taking care of the surface, but diggingto the root of the problem. That scares me to death. I will talk about that at another time.
That night was my last night there until I had to fly back. My heart was torn, my mind was shattered, and I felt defeated. I was a mess. Ashley annointed me and prayed with me, and then turned on some soaking music. I layed there and kept hearing satan saying in my head- you will never win, you never do. I couldnt take it anymore, and I yelled STOP! AHHHHH I cant take this battle. I finally fell asleep and had a dream that God picked me up and was raising me to heaven. I was like yes- finally- and then I was dropped- I was so scared- I woke up and I was freaked out. Ashley and I began to talk and I told her of the dream- when I was done we both heard a huge noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like something fell. I walked in the kitchen and nothing had moved, nothing in the fridge , or counters, NOTHING? What was that? I dont know but it wasnt a good feeling. Ashley looked at her clock and it was 1:23 again? What does this 1:23 mean? Well I tried to go back to sleep, but it was short lived because we had to leave at 2:30 in the morning to get to the airport on time.
I didnt have a good feeling about this flight. I didnt want to go home. I didnt think I was suppose to go home. I had an amazing talk with Ashley once again about some pretty deep stuff. I got to the airport. Ashley leaves....I get ready to check in and the lady was completley rude- I did not get a good vibe. I am already crying because I just had to say goodbye. You think she could have a little compassion? Jeesh. So then I check in, go thru security, get in line and get ready to get on flight. The lady say so rudely- you cant get on this flight. You are not dressed properly. I was like- this is not happening. Since I was a companion for United- I was suppose to dress up. To make a long story short, I was treated like crap and sent away to buy some shoes and dress pants. Ashley had to come back to the airport, pick me up and go buy clothes. Once again I was back at the airport. I checked in, and sat waiting for my next flight. I was sitting there thinking- Jesus- am I suppose to leave? I really wish Ashley could be up here with me with my mind in puzzles. Just then- I hear Stephanie Huffman- please meet someone at the end of security. I came down the escalator- and there is Ashley! Did He hear me? We left the airport and had some time together again. I then had to say goodbye to her for the third time. UGH- my stomach is already in shambles from all the God encounters that week.
Ok i am now on my flight now half dead from complete and utter exhaustion. I arrive in Chicago- my dad gets completley lost. Are you kidding me? My dad never gets lost. This was another sign I was not suppose to leave. I get home, I sleep and I live my week out.
I listened to Joyce Meyer Cd's listened to songs- and I felt God tell me- Stephanie, you need to move out there for healing. I kind of ignored it. Then a couple days later I was texting Ashley. I went to work, and then God was like- I want you to go look at your phone and see what time you sent that text. WHAT? So I did- it was sent at 123 pm- Ok so now I am like what does this 123 mean? 123 GO? Ready set go? I looked up some verses that had 123 in them, and it was all about hearing God? HMMM So then the next day I was like- ok God- if you want me to really go and this isnt just me- then you have to be really clear- just then a huge pile of rugs clonked me on the head. Ok I heard Him loud and clear. So I knew that I was going. I would hear songs about journeys, and songs about listening to God, and messages about journies. What more clarity do I need. Did I mention its hard for me to trust- I needed more clarity.....
It has been about 3 weeks since I went to see Ashley and Jenna. And now I feel as if I am at a point of giving up. Just forget California, and do it my way. WHY? It is because I am scared to death to come there and let my emotions shine. I am scared to dig deep and get the crap out. I am scared to trust others and trust God that I am really going to be healed this time. I dont want to go back to that deep dark evil place. My mind is spinning and I am sick, and i mean sick of it. I really need some break-thru. I am tired of the long nights of staying awake, I am tired of crying my self to sleep, I am tired of not being able to control the crazy thoughts that fly into my mind.
So I asked God last night to give me a dream or something to just let me know its going to be ok, and that this trip is what He really wants. You want to know what happened...... He woke me up at exactly 1:23 AM- If that was not God, then I am just crazy. So I am on my way. I leave July 23. Jesus please help me because my mind is soooooo lost.
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