God speaks through songs

Today was an ok day... I still feel really blah and really lost. The morning went pretty fast. I heard a song that I havent heard in a long time called Holy Visitation by Rita Spinger. I really needed to hear that. The words this time really hit me. I WAS MADE FOR WAR, I WAS MADE FOR BATTLE- I needed that- I know I am in a battle- and to know that I am made for war makes me have a little hope that I can fight thru this! RELEASE THE CRIES, RELEASE THE BROKEN, RELEASE THE CAPTIVE! POUR IT OUT- POUR IT OUT- POUR IT OUT!
I have heard a lot of songs lately that have really just spoke to me.
Rebecca St. James says its hard to worship God when we feel like we are in a battle. She says maybe God is more honored when we worship in the pain, and in the valley than when we worship Him in the mountains. A quote that she read was this....Suffering can often produce great depths of character, mature understanding, warm compassion, and rich spirituality.We should rejoice that in heaven we shall finally be set free from all pain and tears, that suffering can make us more like Christ, the size and radiance of the diamond is caused by a lump of coal subjected to extreme pressure and heat over a long period of time again a beautiful pearl emerges when an oyster has to cover an irritating object with layer upon layer of smooth mother of pearl lining taken from its own body. When we suffer in various ways, God is able to use all precious irritations to reveal something of His radiance and beauty in our lives!
One of the songs she sings is called Forgive Me. It took me awhile to catch on. The song talks about asking God for forgiveness for pain, for shame, for tears, for hurt.. So you get the point. I never really thought that I was hurting God by all this? Wow- I have 16 years of baggage and 16 years of pain and depression. I am overwhelmed by the amount of times I have failed God and hurt Him. I am going to just need to process this bit by bit and take baby steps. I don't think of it hurting God, I think of it as God hurting me. I blame Him for the pain in my life. I dont understand it? The more and more stuff that is revealed to me, just makes my mind turn a little more and more. I am not ready for all of this at once. I just need baby bites of it. One thing at a time. AHHH Wow- I am one messed up person- Sorry for the negativity- but jeesh....I have had enough revealed to me. I need a little break from all the insanity. Alright so emotions are rising, and I dont need to think about anymore right now- so this is where I will have to end the blog.