I hurt...

Ok- I have tried to type out this blog about 4 times and then deleted it. I am having a lot of anxiety about putting my feelings down on paper. I am trying to cover it up and hide my emotions. I am guarding it because of what others might think. Its a big trust issue....but here goes.. I am feeling like I am alone in this process that I am going through. I feel helpless. I want to be happy. I want these thoughts to go out of my head. My heart is hurting. My insides are screaming for help, I just cant bring it to the surface. I am so tired of being depressed, tired of feeling helpless, tired of feeling lost and all alone. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends. I know that God is there- or is He? Its not that- I just feel like I need someone every second of the day today. I crave relationship today. I crave comfort. But I hide all of this and act like everything is ok- when its not. But I think its better to hide, because then I dont drain anyone of everything they have. I dont want to hear that God is going to take care of me- I want to see it, and right not I dont see anything but darkness. I think I am just going to stop for now. I have dug deep enough.