Fear, Faith, Trust, and Doubt. AHHH

So I am having some problems with fear, faith, doubt, and trust. So to try to make this part short- I am having fear of leaving, fear of failure, fear that its going to be ok, doubt that it will never work, doubt that God will heal me, doubt that He is going to provide, faith that He is able, faith that he loves me, faith that I am going to be ok, trust that he loves me, trust that He is going to take care of me- get it? Ok then- lets move on.

I looked up the word trust- The definition is a firm belief in anothers honesty, ability or integrity. You believe that someone will do exactly what he says- no matter what. Another version says that doubt will never enter your mind. Now- put that in some God terms- and it means I need to trust God completely, and believe in His word, and believe that what He said he was going to do- He is going to do- NO MATTTER WHAT WITHOUT DOUBT! That is a lot to take in. I am kinda sorry I even looked it up. God is really trying to speak to me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path. HMMMMM

So to trust with my whole heart is to abandon myself to Him. Funny how surrendering and abandon come up once again if you read my last blog.

OK so now to faith: Faith is my surrender to God. Because I know I must belong to Him, and anything less than unconditional surrender is sin. Faith is being plugged into Gods life. Fear is not of God. Fear is faith in what satan says. So I am having some trouble with this, but I thought I would throw it all in there- and maybe one day I will come back to this and figure it out.

So then I came across this too- I can stand still in his purpose. I can stand by faith in the certainty that God is going to win. Stand in victory.
So If I can stand still and be still with what he is telling me, then I can have faith that it will work out and then I will receive the victory- WOW- I cant take it in, I cant believe this, but I guess I will have to come back to this later. I am sorry if my true honesty is coming out, but this is just something that is not piercing my brain. I have enough to think about now, and I definatley am not ready to take a step more into this.

So I was reading Proverbs and came across this...

My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carfully to my words. Dont lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the couse of your life. Avoid all perverse talk: stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straightpath for your feet: stay on the safe path. Dont get sidetracked: keep your feet from following evil.

This is my thoughts on this- I am listening to God. I feel though as if he is fading away. Instead of letting them penetrate my heart, I am letting them flow into my awful mind which then everything gets distorted. I am guarding my heart, but only to protect it from the twisted things hidden in the roots. Sidetracked- I am way sidetracked.

So when I think of going to CA- I think is it really going to work this time, am I really going to be healed, is it going to fail. I feel like a failure, and I feel there is no hope. But then I am reminded of a song.

ITS GONNA BE WORTH IT

I don’t understand Your ways Oh, but I will give You my song I’ll give You all of my praise You hold on to all my pain And with it You are pulling me closer And pulling me into Your ways Now around ev’ry corner And up ev’ry mountain I’m not looking for crowns Or the water from fountains I’m desp’rate in seeking, frantic, believing That the sight of Your face is all that I’m needing I will say to You It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all I believe this It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all

Jesus........Please help me to understand, please help me to trust without fear and doubt. Please just help me cause I am falling. I am fading, and I dont like this pit I am in. Pull me out and show me your ways. PLEASE!