Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Does anyone understand?
I havent really posted anything in the last 3 days is because- well- there hasnt been any change. I am still feeling awful. I am so tired of being depressed. I did finally call my dr back a day early and told her I really need something now, because what they are giving me is still not working. She talked with the director, and he wants to put me on another mood stabilizer. What the heck? I dont want to take 2 different meds. I barely like to take the one I am on. It just means its going to be harder to ween myself off of 2 meds. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit the one I am on cold turkey. Honestly I dont think it does any good, considering everyone that I talk to tells me I am either a mess, or a grouch. Or people say- I want the old Stephanie back? You know what- the old Stephanie is the same now as she was 15 yrs ago- So I dont know what they are talking about? I am so sorry that I am sad all the time, or cover it up with anger because i dont want to show that emotion. Do you seriously think I want to be this way? Just try a day in my shoes- you would have wished you were never born. I am tired of not sleeping, im tired of crying, I am tired of my mind going faster than I can put it together. Does anyone get it? Does anyone understand? UGH
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Lonely
Today I am extremely lonely. I wish that I was always busy, and always had plans. I get sick of sitting at home doing nothing. Its not any fun doing things by myself, because I just get to thinking and then feel worse about myself. I like texting, but sometimes I would just really like people to call me. I feel like a robot when I text. The only good thing about texting is that it can hide your emotions. If I am crying or upset, then no one knows it because they cant hear me. I maybe get to have a phone conversation with friends maybe once every 2 weeks. And the only reason I get that is because I tell the person I need to talk. I really dont think anyone would call unless I initiated it. I sometimes wonder if the reason why I dont get phone calls is because I am a broken record- always down, always complaining, and always negative. Who wants to hear that? So I guess its all my fault. One day I hope to have some kind of happiness in my life. One day?????????????????????
Friday, June 26, 2009
Temptation, Sin, and Urges
I am dealing with so much temptaion, so much sin, and so many urges. I try to pray, but I feel I am getting no where. So I looked up these verses, which helped some. I ask people to hold me acountable, but then that is not always easy getting it out. Sometimes, I just feel like all of this is a waste. Because in the end- I give in; which then leads to shame and guilt.
Sometimes I feel that I can cover a sin up by doing something a little better than the sin, temptation, or urge that I have. Its like a cover up. But is there one sin greater than the other? I think there are, but thats not what God thinks.
Here are some verses that may or may not help.
"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You."
Psalms 119:11
"He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion."
Proverbs 28:13
"For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace."
Romans 6:14
"Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."
1 Corinthians 10:12, 13
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. In addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." Ephesians 6:10-11, 16
"For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted."
Hebrews 2:18
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him."
James 1:2-3, 12
"Let no one say when he is tempted, I am being tempted by God; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust."
James 1:13, 14
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9
"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."
James 4:7
"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 1:6-7
"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world."
1 Peter 5:8-9
"Then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation."
2 Peter 2:9a
"You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world."
1 John 4:4
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty."
Jude 24-25a
Sometimes I feel that I can cover a sin up by doing something a little better than the sin, temptation, or urge that I have. Its like a cover up. But is there one sin greater than the other? I think there are, but thats not what God thinks.
Here are some verses that may or may not help.
"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You."
Psalms 119:11
"He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion."
Proverbs 28:13
"For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace."
Romans 6:14
"Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."
1 Corinthians 10:12, 13
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. In addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." Ephesians 6:10-11, 16
"For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted."
Hebrews 2:18
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him."
James 1:2-3, 12
"Let no one say when he is tempted, I am being tempted by God; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust."
James 1:13, 14
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9
"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."
James 4:7
"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 1:6-7
"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world."
1 Peter 5:8-9
"Then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation."
2 Peter 2:9a
"You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world."
1 John 4:4
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty."
Jude 24-25a
Thursday, June 25, 2009
God speaks through songs
Today was an ok day... I still feel really blah and really lost. The morning went pretty fast. I heard a song that I havent heard in a long time called Holy Visitation by Rita Spinger. I really needed to hear that. The words this time really hit me. I WAS MADE FOR WAR, I WAS MADE FOR BATTLE- I needed that- I know I am in a battle- and to know that I am made for war makes me have a little hope that I can fight thru this! RELEASE THE CRIES, RELEASE THE BROKEN, RELEASE THE CAPTIVE! POUR IT OUT- POUR IT OUT- POUR IT OUT!
I have heard a lot of songs lately that have really just spoke to me.
Rebecca St. James says its hard to worship God when we feel like we are in a battle. She says maybe God is more honored when we worship in the pain, and in the valley than when we worship Him in the mountains. A quote that she read was this....Suffering can often produce great depths of character, mature understanding, warm compassion, and rich spirituality.We should rejoice that in heaven we shall finally be set free from all pain and tears, that suffering can make us more like Christ, the size and radiance of the diamond is caused by a lump of coal subjected to extreme pressure and heat over a long period of time again a beautiful pearl emerges when an oyster has to cover an irritating object with layer upon layer of smooth mother of pearl lining taken from its own body. When we suffer in various ways, God is able to use all precious irritations to reveal something of His radiance and beauty in our lives!
One of the songs she sings is called Forgive Me. It took me awhile to catch on. The song talks about asking God for forgiveness for pain, for shame, for tears, for hurt.. So you get the point. I never really thought that I was hurting God by all this? Wow- I have 16 years of baggage and 16 years of pain and depression. I am overwhelmed by the amount of times I have failed God and hurt Him. I am going to just need to process this bit by bit and take baby steps. I don't think of it hurting God, I think of it as God hurting me. I blame Him for the pain in my life. I dont understand it? The more and more stuff that is revealed to me, just makes my mind turn a little more and more. I am not ready for all of this at once. I just need baby bites of it. One thing at a time. AHHH Wow- I am one messed up person- Sorry for the negativity- but jeesh....I have had enough revealed to me. I need a little break from all the insanity. Alright so emotions are rising, and I dont need to think about anymore right now- so this is where I will have to end the blog.
I have heard a lot of songs lately that have really just spoke to me.
Rebecca St. James says its hard to worship God when we feel like we are in a battle. She says maybe God is more honored when we worship in the pain, and in the valley than when we worship Him in the mountains. A quote that she read was this....Suffering can often produce great depths of character, mature understanding, warm compassion, and rich spirituality.We should rejoice that in heaven we shall finally be set free from all pain and tears, that suffering can make us more like Christ, the size and radiance of the diamond is caused by a lump of coal subjected to extreme pressure and heat over a long period of time again a beautiful pearl emerges when an oyster has to cover an irritating object with layer upon layer of smooth mother of pearl lining taken from its own body. When we suffer in various ways, God is able to use all precious irritations to reveal something of His radiance and beauty in our lives!
One of the songs she sings is called Forgive Me. It took me awhile to catch on. The song talks about asking God for forgiveness for pain, for shame, for tears, for hurt.. So you get the point. I never really thought that I was hurting God by all this? Wow- I have 16 years of baggage and 16 years of pain and depression. I am overwhelmed by the amount of times I have failed God and hurt Him. I am going to just need to process this bit by bit and take baby steps. I don't think of it hurting God, I think of it as God hurting me. I blame Him for the pain in my life. I dont understand it? The more and more stuff that is revealed to me, just makes my mind turn a little more and more. I am not ready for all of this at once. I just need baby bites of it. One thing at a time. AHHH Wow- I am one messed up person- Sorry for the negativity- but jeesh....I have had enough revealed to me. I need a little break from all the insanity. Alright so emotions are rising, and I dont need to think about anymore right now- so this is where I will have to end the blog.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The visit to the Doctor
So most of you know, but for those that dont. I have bipolar. Its not the extreme bipolar- I think I have the bipolar 1- but who cares which one. I dont like either one. So I went to my psychologist/psychiatrist/behaviorist- Whatever you want to call her. I go about once a month to check on meds and make sure they are doing ok. Well this time I waited a little longer, which was the wrong thing to do. Every time you go- you have to fill out a little questionaire- It asks you about anxiety and depression and makes you rate it. Well needless to say- my numbers doubled. Thats not a good thing. I told her I feel like I am losing it. I told her of some of the thoughts that go thru my head, the panic attacks- and the look on her face was like- uh oh! Then she told me- dont wait for 3 weeks- call right away. She then left the room to talk to the main Dr- I thought I was ok, and then I lost it. I couldnt stop crying. I was so scared to tell her those feelings, because i didnt want to end up in a mental hospital like i was 7 years ago.
When she came in the room, she was really nice. She told me that sometimes meds get immune to your body and then need adjusted. The problem is that they can only adjust them 50mg at a time. She said that my body prob needs about 200 to 300 mg to feel right and keep the mood stabilized. I am at 100- so now she upped it to 150. I call back in a week, and take another questionaire, and then they bump it up again. Ugh- I dont know if I can wait that long. I am miserable now...GRRR - So I am bummed that the meds are up once again. I hope one day i can ween myself off of them completely. I dont want to take meds all my life.
When she came in the room, she was really nice. She told me that sometimes meds get immune to your body and then need adjusted. The problem is that they can only adjust them 50mg at a time. She said that my body prob needs about 200 to 300 mg to feel right and keep the mood stabilized. I am at 100- so now she upped it to 150. I call back in a week, and take another questionaire, and then they bump it up again. Ugh- I dont know if I can wait that long. I am miserable now...GRRR - So I am bummed that the meds are up once again. I hope one day i can ween myself off of them completely. I dont want to take meds all my life.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Another day of hell
Ok so today isnt any better than yesterday. The mind is still crazy. I didnt go to bed till 3 AM because my mind wont stop. I would love to tell you what my mind is saying, but because of lack of trust- I cant. I have been hurt to many times telling people what I feel, and then end up in a mental hospital, or lost friends. So I am just going to refrain myself. I am tired of crying, tired of this crap!
Beauty from pain- Superchick
This song is so something that I relate to.
The lights go out all around meOne last candle to keep out the nightAnd then the darkness surrounds meI know I'm aliveBut I feel like I diedAnd all that's left is to accept that it's overMy dreams ran like sand through the fists that I madeI try to keep warm but I just grow colderI feel like I'm slipping awayAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my painMy whole world is the pain inside meThe best I can do is just get through the dayWhen life before is only a memoryI wonder why God lets me walk through this placeAnd though I can't understand why this happenedI know that I will when I look back somedayAnd see how you've brought beauty from ashesAnd made me as gold purified through these flamesAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my painHere I am at the end of meTrying to hold to what I can't seeI forgot how to hopeThis night's been so longI cling to your promiseThere will be a dawnAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my pain
The lights go out all around meOne last candle to keep out the nightAnd then the darkness surrounds meI know I'm aliveBut I feel like I diedAnd all that's left is to accept that it's overMy dreams ran like sand through the fists that I madeI try to keep warm but I just grow colderI feel like I'm slipping awayAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my painMy whole world is the pain inside meThe best I can do is just get through the dayWhen life before is only a memoryI wonder why God lets me walk through this placeAnd though I can't understand why this happenedI know that I will when I look back somedayAnd see how you've brought beauty from ashesAnd made me as gold purified through these flamesAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my painHere I am at the end of meTrying to hold to what I can't seeI forgot how to hopeThis night's been so longI cling to your promiseThere will be a dawnAfter all this has passedI still will remainAfter I've cried my lastThere'll be beauty from painThough it won't be todaySomeday I'll hope againAnd there'll be beauty from painYou will bring beauty from my pain
Monday, June 22, 2009
I hurt...
Ok- I have tried to type out this blog about 4 times and then deleted it. I am having a lot of anxiety about putting my feelings down on paper. I am trying to cover it up and hide my emotions. I am guarding it because of what others might think. Its a big trust issue....but here goes.. I am feeling like I am alone in this process that I am going through. I feel helpless. I want to be happy. I want these thoughts to go out of my head. My heart is hurting. My insides are screaming for help, I just cant bring it to the surface. I am so tired of being depressed, tired of feeling helpless, tired of feeling lost and all alone. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have friends. I know that God is there- or is He? Its not that- I just feel like I need someone every second of the day today. I crave relationship today. I crave comfort. But I hide all of this and act like everything is ok- when its not. But I think its better to hide, because then I dont drain anyone of everything they have. I dont want to hear that God is going to take care of me- I want to see it, and right not I dont see anything but darkness. I think I am just going to stop for now. I have dug deep enough.
Words Words Words
So I was sitting in a womens meeting and God told me to write down these words. Or maybe it was just me- who knows. Well there is the doubt again...
fear, love, guilt, shame, forgive, surrender, sacrifice, commit, regret, hope, condemed, peace, rest, joy, content, understanding, happiness, sorrow, resist, damaged, shattered, broken, used, beautiful, desperation, renewed, undeserving, transparent, justified, grief, heavy, real, dicernment, darkness, decieved, lies, truth, hate, demonic, freedom, misery, filled, fire, luke warm, indecisive, unbelief, burden, torn, unwilling, worthless, ruined, wholeness.
Dont really know what any of this means? I can tell you that I deal with all of the negative- but the positives are not me- I dont feel love, hope, peace, rested, joy, content, understanding, happiness, beautiful, renewed, real, freedom, filled, and whole... I dont know im confsued- but I thought I would put this in here anyways.
fear, love, guilt, shame, forgive, surrender, sacrifice, commit, regret, hope, condemed, peace, rest, joy, content, understanding, happiness, sorrow, resist, damaged, shattered, broken, used, beautiful, desperation, renewed, undeserving, transparent, justified, grief, heavy, real, dicernment, darkness, decieved, lies, truth, hate, demonic, freedom, misery, filled, fire, luke warm, indecisive, unbelief, burden, torn, unwilling, worthless, ruined, wholeness.
Dont really know what any of this means? I can tell you that I deal with all of the negative- but the positives are not me- I dont feel love, hope, peace, rested, joy, content, understanding, happiness, beautiful, renewed, real, freedom, filled, and whole... I dont know im confsued- but I thought I would put this in here anyways.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Fear, Faith, Trust, and Doubt. AHHH
So I am having some problems with fear, faith, doubt, and trust. So to try to make this part short- I am having fear of leaving, fear of failure, fear that its going to be ok, doubt that it will never work, doubt that God will heal me, doubt that He is going to provide, faith that He is able, faith that he loves me, faith that I am going to be ok, trust that he loves me, trust that He is going to take care of me- get it? Ok then- lets move on.
I looked up the word trust- The definition is a firm belief in anothers honesty, ability or integrity. You believe that someone will do exactly what he says- no matter what. Another version says that doubt will never enter your mind. Now- put that in some God terms- and it means I need to trust God completely, and believe in His word, and believe that what He said he was going to do- He is going to do- NO MATTTER WHAT WITHOUT DOUBT! That is a lot to take in. I am kinda sorry I even looked it up. God is really trying to speak to me.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path. HMMMMM
So to trust with my whole heart is to abandon myself to Him. Funny how surrendering and abandon come up once again if you read my last blog.
OK so now to faith: Faith is my surrender to God. Because I know I must belong to Him, and anything less than unconditional surrender is sin. Faith is being plugged into Gods life. Fear is not of God. Fear is faith in what satan says. So I am having some trouble with this, but I thought I would throw it all in there- and maybe one day I will come back to this and figure it out.
So then I came across this too- I can stand still in his purpose. I can stand by faith in the certainty that God is going to win. Stand in victory.
So If I can stand still and be still with what he is telling me, then I can have faith that it will work out and then I will receive the victory- WOW- I cant take it in, I cant believe this, but I guess I will have to come back to this later. I am sorry if my true honesty is coming out, but this is just something that is not piercing my brain. I have enough to think about now, and I definatley am not ready to take a step more into this.
So I was reading Proverbs and came across this...
My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carfully to my words. Dont lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the couse of your life. Avoid all perverse talk: stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straightpath for your feet: stay on the safe path. Dont get sidetracked: keep your feet from following evil.
This is my thoughts on this- I am listening to God. I feel though as if he is fading away. Instead of letting them penetrate my heart, I am letting them flow into my awful mind which then everything gets distorted. I am guarding my heart, but only to protect it from the twisted things hidden in the roots. Sidetracked- I am way sidetracked.
So when I think of going to CA- I think is it really going to work this time, am I really going to be healed, is it going to fail. I feel like a failure, and I feel there is no hope. But then I am reminded of a song.
ITS GONNA BE WORTH IT
I don’t understand Your ways Oh, but I will give You my song I’ll give You all of my praise You hold on to all my pain And with it You are pulling me closer And pulling me into Your ways Now around ev’ry corner And up ev’ry mountain I’m not looking for crowns Or the water from fountains I’m desp’rate in seeking, frantic, believing That the sight of Your face is all that I’m needing I will say to You It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all I believe this It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all
Jesus........Please help me to understand, please help me to trust without fear and doubt. Please just help me cause I am falling. I am fading, and I dont like this pit I am in. Pull me out and show me your ways. PLEASE!
I looked up the word trust- The definition is a firm belief in anothers honesty, ability or integrity. You believe that someone will do exactly what he says- no matter what. Another version says that doubt will never enter your mind. Now- put that in some God terms- and it means I need to trust God completely, and believe in His word, and believe that what He said he was going to do- He is going to do- NO MATTTER WHAT WITHOUT DOUBT! That is a lot to take in. I am kinda sorry I even looked it up. God is really trying to speak to me.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart. lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path. HMMMMM
So to trust with my whole heart is to abandon myself to Him. Funny how surrendering and abandon come up once again if you read my last blog.
OK so now to faith: Faith is my surrender to God. Because I know I must belong to Him, and anything less than unconditional surrender is sin. Faith is being plugged into Gods life. Fear is not of God. Fear is faith in what satan says. So I am having some trouble with this, but I thought I would throw it all in there- and maybe one day I will come back to this and figure it out.
So then I came across this too- I can stand still in his purpose. I can stand by faith in the certainty that God is going to win. Stand in victory.
So If I can stand still and be still with what he is telling me, then I can have faith that it will work out and then I will receive the victory- WOW- I cant take it in, I cant believe this, but I guess I will have to come back to this later. I am sorry if my true honesty is coming out, but this is just something that is not piercing my brain. I have enough to think about now, and I definatley am not ready to take a step more into this.
So I was reading Proverbs and came across this...
My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carfully to my words. Dont lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the couse of your life. Avoid all perverse talk: stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straightpath for your feet: stay on the safe path. Dont get sidetracked: keep your feet from following evil.
This is my thoughts on this- I am listening to God. I feel though as if he is fading away. Instead of letting them penetrate my heart, I am letting them flow into my awful mind which then everything gets distorted. I am guarding my heart, but only to protect it from the twisted things hidden in the roots. Sidetracked- I am way sidetracked.
So when I think of going to CA- I think is it really going to work this time, am I really going to be healed, is it going to fail. I feel like a failure, and I feel there is no hope. But then I am reminded of a song.
ITS GONNA BE WORTH IT
I don’t understand Your ways Oh, but I will give You my song I’ll give You all of my praise You hold on to all my pain And with it You are pulling me closer And pulling me into Your ways Now around ev’ry corner And up ev’ry mountain I’m not looking for crowns Or the water from fountains I’m desp’rate in seeking, frantic, believing That the sight of Your face is all that I’m needing I will say to You It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all I believe this It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it It’s gonna be worth it all
Jesus........Please help me to understand, please help me to trust without fear and doubt. Please just help me cause I am falling. I am fading, and I dont like this pit I am in. Pull me out and show me your ways. PLEASE!
My Journey
Where to begin...... Lets just say it all started with my trip to visit Ashley and Jenna. I was on my way to visit them, and them only- I will explain later. What can I say, California is beautiful, breathtaking, and amazing! The first couple days were good, and it was all a normal visit- that is until my mind started racing, and crazy things were going through my head. It was like God was saying- You didnt just come here to visit, you came here to be with me, and I want to show you some things. I was fighting this battle in my head- I didnt want God anymore. I was without Him and church for 10 months, and I didnt need Him now. I mean I am a christian and all, but thats all I wanted. I didnt seek anymore than I had to. It felt like satan had 3/4 of my heart, and God was pulling the other part. I thought, its ok no one will know. I will ignore God and it will be ok. But the thoughts wouldnt stop as we were driving back to the house. Suddenly, Ashley put her hand on my head and didnt say anything. I was kind of in shock. It was like God telling her- put your hand on her head and make her stop the battle that is going on in her head.
I might have my days confused, but it doesnt matter because it will all fit toghether. On Friday Ashley and I went to church. I kind of was stubborn, yet curious. Part of me wanted to go just to observe, but part of me didnt want to go- because I didnt want that continual battle in my head. We went, I observed, and service was over. After church I was meeting some of Ashley's friends. The last lady, (forgive me I forgot her name) came up to me and said- I have a word for you. I was like- Oh Jesus- you are not winning this battle- I am. So I listened and wasnt going to be rude. I cant remember word for word- but I remembered the significant part- She said I know you came here with a lot of dissapointment, and you have lots of dissapointment in your life. You came here with an expectation- and God is going to fill that expectation in your life. As much as I didnt want to believe what she was saying was true-deep down she hit it right on the head.
So I had a lot to think about......Great just what I wanted- a little more think time- as if my mind wasnt already crazy.
The whole trip was amazing, dont get me wrong- I loved every moment of quality time with Ashley and Jenna. I loved the mountains, the water, the crazy times, and the laughs. At the same time, I felt like I was going to lose it. I was going to explode. My mind would not turn off. I wanted to be able to talk and have a good time- but I couldnt even spit anything out of my mouth because my mind was saying enough.
Saturday night my mind was a volcano of emotions, and I knew I needed to express what was going thru my head. Jenna and I stayed up till about 1 am talking and trying to process these crazy thoughts that were cycling in my head. I just felt like I didnt want to give in to God, because I have tried before and it always leads to failure in the end. I felt like a broken record, so Jenna fell asleep. I layed there and the more I thought the worse it became. I began to get scared. Everyone was sleeping, I am in a dark room, and I feel I am being attacked. I felt like satan was sitting on the edge of my bed breathing on me. I was having a panic attack and no one knew it. I wanted to go out to the living room to see if Ashley was awake because I needed this to stop. About the min I was going to get up- I heard Ashley yell from the living room "Jesus!!!!!!!!" I was like- ok something is not right. I just kind of layed there and thought it will go away. A few min later Ashley walked in the room looking for her computer. She saw that I was awake, and we talked and prayed. Keep in mind it was 1:23? There is something signifigant about this time. Read on. She went back to sleep, and I was up all night. Not a lick of sleep.
Now comes sunday. Im exhausted and its time for church....Honestly- I could barley keep my eyes open. I was so tired, and just wanted some dang peace. Just a silence in my brain. AHHHH!
We went to a cookout that night and it went ok. My mind was still an utter mess. During dinner, one of the little boys walked up and said I have a word for you. I was like- Jesus- are you serious- we are not going here again. The little boy began to explain that there was a plane that flew by and dropped a seed. There was a chicken, a dove, and a lion. The three animals were racing to try to get the seed. The lion and the dove were to slow, but the chicken or maybe it was a rooster- was on the ground going crazy looking for the seed- but what he didnt realize is that he already had swallowed it. We asked the boy what this meant. He said he thinks it means that sometimes the things that we need are right there, but we are in such a hurry that we dont realize we already have it. It is so true- I want God, and I feel like he is not here, and I search and search and no result- but I was in such a hurry for a result- but come to realize that He was there the whole time. There is so much more than just this, but for right now- thats all I am going to say about this.
While I was there we went to a womens group. I have had enough. I told myself I was not going to participate, I was just going to observe. It just amazed me that these women can be so drunk for God. They have so much love and so much grace. I want that, I want to be free. Why couldnt God do that for me? WHY?
God told me while I was there to look up the word abandonment. I was like ok- but i dont really have a problem with this. I looked the word up and looked up the definition. Wow- what I was about to be revealed to me was peer and utter shock. Ok- so there are several definitons-
1. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as result of danger or threat.
2. To surrender ones claim to right to- give up entirely.
3. To yeild completley to emotion.
The next word that came to me was relinquish.
1. to retire from, glue up or abandon
2. To put aside to let go or surrender
Ok so now I am back to surrender and abandon- SURRENDER? I get it God - you want me to surrender to you and follow you- Funny sense of humor!
So then I was like what is cease? To put and end to something or discontinue- So God wants me to put and end to this battle and obsession I have.
ok so then desist and resist- WHAT? To cease doing something to hold oneself back.
YOU CANT CHANGE WHAT YOU DONT ACCEPT! RESISTING AND DENYING ASPECTS OF YOURSELF WONT GET YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN LIFE.
Nice- So I am totally getting it. - God is like wait- look up Isaiah 54: 4-6- Fear not for you shall not be ashamed, neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame, For you shall forget the shame of your youth and you shall not seriously remember the reproach of your widowhead anymore.
So God knows I am depressed, knows that I should not remember and dwell on my past abuse, and is telling me to surrender. HMMMM
Ok so I had to share this with someone- so Ashley and I sat down and talked. It was ok- and then it got really deep and we talked about some deep stuff that was buried deep down inside of me that was not suppose to come out. It was extremely hard, and difficult. We talked about not just taking care of the surface, but diggingto the root of the problem. That scares me to death. I will talk about that at another time.
That night was my last night there until I had to fly back. My heart was torn, my mind was shattered, and I felt defeated. I was a mess. Ashley annointed me and prayed with me, and then turned on some soaking music. I layed there and kept hearing satan saying in my head- you will never win, you never do. I couldnt take it anymore, and I yelled STOP! AHHHHH I cant take this battle. I finally fell asleep and had a dream that God picked me up and was raising me to heaven. I was like yes- finally- and then I was dropped- I was so scared- I woke up and I was freaked out. Ashley and I began to talk and I told her of the dream- when I was done we both heard a huge noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like something fell. I walked in the kitchen and nothing had moved, nothing in the fridge , or counters, NOTHING? What was that? I dont know but it wasnt a good feeling. Ashley looked at her clock and it was 1:23 again? What does this 1:23 mean? Well I tried to go back to sleep, but it was short lived because we had to leave at 2:30 in the morning to get to the airport on time.
I didnt have a good feeling about this flight. I didnt want to go home. I didnt think I was suppose to go home. I had an amazing talk with Ashley once again about some pretty deep stuff. I got to the airport. Ashley leaves....I get ready to check in and the lady was completley rude- I did not get a good vibe. I am already crying because I just had to say goodbye. You think she could have a little compassion? Jeesh. So then I check in, go thru security, get in line and get ready to get on flight. The lady say so rudely- you cant get on this flight. You are not dressed properly. I was like- this is not happening. Since I was a companion for United- I was suppose to dress up. To make a long story short, I was treated like crap and sent away to buy some shoes and dress pants. Ashley had to come back to the airport, pick me up and go buy clothes. Once again I was back at the airport. I checked in, and sat waiting for my next flight. I was sitting there thinking- Jesus- am I suppose to leave? I really wish Ashley could be up here with me with my mind in puzzles. Just then- I hear Stephanie Huffman- please meet someone at the end of security. I came down the escalator- and there is Ashley! Did He hear me? We left the airport and had some time together again. I then had to say goodbye to her for the third time. UGH- my stomach is already in shambles from all the God encounters that week.
Ok i am now on my flight now half dead from complete and utter exhaustion. I arrive in Chicago- my dad gets completley lost. Are you kidding me? My dad never gets lost. This was another sign I was not suppose to leave. I get home, I sleep and I live my week out.
I listened to Joyce Meyer Cd's listened to songs- and I felt God tell me- Stephanie, you need to move out there for healing. I kind of ignored it. Then a couple days later I was texting Ashley. I went to work, and then God was like- I want you to go look at your phone and see what time you sent that text. WHAT? So I did- it was sent at 123 pm- Ok so now I am like what does this 123 mean? 123 GO? Ready set go? I looked up some verses that had 123 in them, and it was all about hearing God? HMMM So then the next day I was like- ok God- if you want me to really go and this isnt just me- then you have to be really clear- just then a huge pile of rugs clonked me on the head. Ok I heard Him loud and clear. So I knew that I was going. I would hear songs about journeys, and songs about listening to God, and messages about journies. What more clarity do I need. Did I mention its hard for me to trust- I needed more clarity.....
It has been about 3 weeks since I went to see Ashley and Jenna. And now I feel as if I am at a point of giving up. Just forget California, and do it my way. WHY? It is because I am scared to death to come there and let my emotions shine. I am scared to dig deep and get the crap out. I am scared to trust others and trust God that I am really going to be healed this time. I dont want to go back to that deep dark evil place. My mind is spinning and I am sick, and i mean sick of it. I really need some break-thru. I am tired of the long nights of staying awake, I am tired of crying my self to sleep, I am tired of not being able to control the crazy thoughts that fly into my mind.
So I asked God last night to give me a dream or something to just let me know its going to be ok, and that this trip is what He really wants. You want to know what happened...... He woke me up at exactly 1:23 AM- If that was not God, then I am just crazy. So I am on my way. I leave July 23. Jesus please help me because my mind is soooooo lost.
I might have my days confused, but it doesnt matter because it will all fit toghether. On Friday Ashley and I went to church. I kind of was stubborn, yet curious. Part of me wanted to go just to observe, but part of me didnt want to go- because I didnt want that continual battle in my head. We went, I observed, and service was over. After church I was meeting some of Ashley's friends. The last lady, (forgive me I forgot her name) came up to me and said- I have a word for you. I was like- Oh Jesus- you are not winning this battle- I am. So I listened and wasnt going to be rude. I cant remember word for word- but I remembered the significant part- She said I know you came here with a lot of dissapointment, and you have lots of dissapointment in your life. You came here with an expectation- and God is going to fill that expectation in your life. As much as I didnt want to believe what she was saying was true-deep down she hit it right on the head.
So I had a lot to think about......Great just what I wanted- a little more think time- as if my mind wasnt already crazy.
The whole trip was amazing, dont get me wrong- I loved every moment of quality time with Ashley and Jenna. I loved the mountains, the water, the crazy times, and the laughs. At the same time, I felt like I was going to lose it. I was going to explode. My mind would not turn off. I wanted to be able to talk and have a good time- but I couldnt even spit anything out of my mouth because my mind was saying enough.
Saturday night my mind was a volcano of emotions, and I knew I needed to express what was going thru my head. Jenna and I stayed up till about 1 am talking and trying to process these crazy thoughts that were cycling in my head. I just felt like I didnt want to give in to God, because I have tried before and it always leads to failure in the end. I felt like a broken record, so Jenna fell asleep. I layed there and the more I thought the worse it became. I began to get scared. Everyone was sleeping, I am in a dark room, and I feel I am being attacked. I felt like satan was sitting on the edge of my bed breathing on me. I was having a panic attack and no one knew it. I wanted to go out to the living room to see if Ashley was awake because I needed this to stop. About the min I was going to get up- I heard Ashley yell from the living room "Jesus!!!!!!!!" I was like- ok something is not right. I just kind of layed there and thought it will go away. A few min later Ashley walked in the room looking for her computer. She saw that I was awake, and we talked and prayed. Keep in mind it was 1:23? There is something signifigant about this time. Read on. She went back to sleep, and I was up all night. Not a lick of sleep.
Now comes sunday. Im exhausted and its time for church....Honestly- I could barley keep my eyes open. I was so tired, and just wanted some dang peace. Just a silence in my brain. AHHHH!
We went to a cookout that night and it went ok. My mind was still an utter mess. During dinner, one of the little boys walked up and said I have a word for you. I was like- Jesus- are you serious- we are not going here again. The little boy began to explain that there was a plane that flew by and dropped a seed. There was a chicken, a dove, and a lion. The three animals were racing to try to get the seed. The lion and the dove were to slow, but the chicken or maybe it was a rooster- was on the ground going crazy looking for the seed- but what he didnt realize is that he already had swallowed it. We asked the boy what this meant. He said he thinks it means that sometimes the things that we need are right there, but we are in such a hurry that we dont realize we already have it. It is so true- I want God, and I feel like he is not here, and I search and search and no result- but I was in such a hurry for a result- but come to realize that He was there the whole time. There is so much more than just this, but for right now- thats all I am going to say about this.
While I was there we went to a womens group. I have had enough. I told myself I was not going to participate, I was just going to observe. It just amazed me that these women can be so drunk for God. They have so much love and so much grace. I want that, I want to be free. Why couldnt God do that for me? WHY?
God told me while I was there to look up the word abandonment. I was like ok- but i dont really have a problem with this. I looked the word up and looked up the definition. Wow- what I was about to be revealed to me was peer and utter shock. Ok- so there are several definitons-
1. To give up by leaving or ceasing to operate or inhabit, especially as result of danger or threat.
2. To surrender ones claim to right to- give up entirely.
3. To yeild completley to emotion.
The next word that came to me was relinquish.
1. to retire from, glue up or abandon
2. To put aside to let go or surrender
Ok so now I am back to surrender and abandon- SURRENDER? I get it God - you want me to surrender to you and follow you- Funny sense of humor!
So then I was like what is cease? To put and end to something or discontinue- So God wants me to put and end to this battle and obsession I have.
ok so then desist and resist- WHAT? To cease doing something to hold oneself back.
YOU CANT CHANGE WHAT YOU DONT ACCEPT! RESISTING AND DENYING ASPECTS OF YOURSELF WONT GET YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN LIFE.
Nice- So I am totally getting it. - God is like wait- look up Isaiah 54: 4-6- Fear not for you shall not be ashamed, neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame, For you shall forget the shame of your youth and you shall not seriously remember the reproach of your widowhead anymore.
So God knows I am depressed, knows that I should not remember and dwell on my past abuse, and is telling me to surrender. HMMMM
Ok so I had to share this with someone- so Ashley and I sat down and talked. It was ok- and then it got really deep and we talked about some deep stuff that was buried deep down inside of me that was not suppose to come out. It was extremely hard, and difficult. We talked about not just taking care of the surface, but diggingto the root of the problem. That scares me to death. I will talk about that at another time.
That night was my last night there until I had to fly back. My heart was torn, my mind was shattered, and I felt defeated. I was a mess. Ashley annointed me and prayed with me, and then turned on some soaking music. I layed there and kept hearing satan saying in my head- you will never win, you never do. I couldnt take it anymore, and I yelled STOP! AHHHHH I cant take this battle. I finally fell asleep and had a dream that God picked me up and was raising me to heaven. I was like yes- finally- and then I was dropped- I was so scared- I woke up and I was freaked out. Ashley and I began to talk and I told her of the dream- when I was done we both heard a huge noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like something fell. I walked in the kitchen and nothing had moved, nothing in the fridge , or counters, NOTHING? What was that? I dont know but it wasnt a good feeling. Ashley looked at her clock and it was 1:23 again? What does this 1:23 mean? Well I tried to go back to sleep, but it was short lived because we had to leave at 2:30 in the morning to get to the airport on time.
I didnt have a good feeling about this flight. I didnt want to go home. I didnt think I was suppose to go home. I had an amazing talk with Ashley once again about some pretty deep stuff. I got to the airport. Ashley leaves....I get ready to check in and the lady was completley rude- I did not get a good vibe. I am already crying because I just had to say goodbye. You think she could have a little compassion? Jeesh. So then I check in, go thru security, get in line and get ready to get on flight. The lady say so rudely- you cant get on this flight. You are not dressed properly. I was like- this is not happening. Since I was a companion for United- I was suppose to dress up. To make a long story short, I was treated like crap and sent away to buy some shoes and dress pants. Ashley had to come back to the airport, pick me up and go buy clothes. Once again I was back at the airport. I checked in, and sat waiting for my next flight. I was sitting there thinking- Jesus- am I suppose to leave? I really wish Ashley could be up here with me with my mind in puzzles. Just then- I hear Stephanie Huffman- please meet someone at the end of security. I came down the escalator- and there is Ashley! Did He hear me? We left the airport and had some time together again. I then had to say goodbye to her for the third time. UGH- my stomach is already in shambles from all the God encounters that week.
Ok i am now on my flight now half dead from complete and utter exhaustion. I arrive in Chicago- my dad gets completley lost. Are you kidding me? My dad never gets lost. This was another sign I was not suppose to leave. I get home, I sleep and I live my week out.
I listened to Joyce Meyer Cd's listened to songs- and I felt God tell me- Stephanie, you need to move out there for healing. I kind of ignored it. Then a couple days later I was texting Ashley. I went to work, and then God was like- I want you to go look at your phone and see what time you sent that text. WHAT? So I did- it was sent at 123 pm- Ok so now I am like what does this 123 mean? 123 GO? Ready set go? I looked up some verses that had 123 in them, and it was all about hearing God? HMMM So then the next day I was like- ok God- if you want me to really go and this isnt just me- then you have to be really clear- just then a huge pile of rugs clonked me on the head. Ok I heard Him loud and clear. So I knew that I was going. I would hear songs about journeys, and songs about listening to God, and messages about journies. What more clarity do I need. Did I mention its hard for me to trust- I needed more clarity.....
It has been about 3 weeks since I went to see Ashley and Jenna. And now I feel as if I am at a point of giving up. Just forget California, and do it my way. WHY? It is because I am scared to death to come there and let my emotions shine. I am scared to dig deep and get the crap out. I am scared to trust others and trust God that I am really going to be healed this time. I dont want to go back to that deep dark evil place. My mind is spinning and I am sick, and i mean sick of it. I really need some break-thru. I am tired of the long nights of staying awake, I am tired of crying my self to sleep, I am tired of not being able to control the crazy thoughts that fly into my mind.
So I asked God last night to give me a dream or something to just let me know its going to be ok, and that this trip is what He really wants. You want to know what happened...... He woke me up at exactly 1:23 AM- If that was not God, then I am just crazy. So I am on my way. I leave July 23. Jesus please help me because my mind is soooooo lost.
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