My Story

When I was 12 I decided that I wanted to go work for my neighbor. He was an elderly man that needed help with daily chores. My sister worked for him for a few years but was old enough to get a regular job, so I took over. I decided that my best friend Leigh and I would work side by side. Sometimes we would work every day and other times just the weekend. If he had big chores, a lot of the neighbor kids would pitch in to help. Leigh and I were the main people for a long time. We did everything from roofing, insulation, cleaning, painting, mowing, paying bills, cooking and laundry. We were just two kids looking for something to do, so that we had money to do fun things on the weekends. Little did I know that my life was about to be changed forever. I guess my first warning sign should have been when we were doing some spring cleaning. I slowly climbed up the ladder to clean out the gutters to his house and I felt someone grab my bottom. I turned around and looked at him, and I didn’t say anything. I just continued working. What was I thinking? I should have told him this was inappropriate. But instead I just let it happen. One day when Leigh and I were gardening. He started to tell us how beautiful we were and how much he loved our hair. It makes a young girl feel so good. Again….another warning sign. (almost as if he was seeing who he could wheel in) Well not so lucky, it was me! He told Leigh that she could go home early because he didn’t have enough work for the both of us. I went inside and I knew I was thinking, something was not right. I was standing there waiting for him to dictate what he wanted done, and suddenly he started to hug me. I was like thank you, and walked away. When I got ready to leave he kissed me. I block out a lot of this, so im not sure I remember my response. The next day I went in I was doing some of his bills, and he was sitting next to me and grabbed my breasts from behind. I kind of told him to stop. When I got ready to leave, he told me to go sit in the recliner for a minute. He came closer to me and then got on his knees on the floor between my legs. I really don’t remember what was going thru my mind. He then pulled my shirt up and was fondling my breasts. He then started to put his mouth and hands all over my breasts. I really didn’t know what to think. I still remember smelling his saliva on my skin. He was not a clean man. He was a packrat and didn’t take care of his hygiene. I went home and I would scrub myself raw. I felt so disgusting. As days went by, it would get worse. It started from him just touching me outside my clothes, but then he would go further. He would stick his mouth all over my breasts, and he would force his hands down my pants. There would be times that I would have to be completely naked and humiliated. I got so use to the routine. He would have me sometimes lay on his bed and try to penetrate me, but I would stick my leg up to block him. He then would begin to make me touch him, and fondle his body parts. He wanted to feel his naked body against mine. Sometimes this would happen for 5 min, or sometimes an hr. I got so use to this that I just knew it was going to happen, so I would purposefully go there wearing no undergarments. If I got frustrated and wanted to leave or was in a hurry and he knew it, he would get mad. He would be very aggressive and latch down with his mouth on my breasts or force his fingers inside of me . There came a time when he told me that I was not allowed to leave until I had climaxed. He had to explain what that was because I wasn’t sure. This only meant that I had to make myself enjoy what he was doing in order to climax. I got so addicted to that feeling that sometimes I would go back and ask him to do it to me. I still have guilt and shame from this. I think that it was my fault partly because I asked for it. He also would offer me extra money to stay longer, and I would take it. I feel so dirty and like a prostitute. Sometimes I would turn on a fuzzy channel that had pornography on it to try to veer his mind off of me. It would never end the way that I wanted. I remember driving to the laundry mat weekly with him to do his laundry. When we were waiting on the laundry he would try to touch me or hug me. I prayed that somehow someone would walk in and catch him in the act. I needed to be done with this. I of course never had such luck. I was always alone. I did get the courage one day to tell him that what he was doing to me was not right and that it needed to stop. He would stop for a week or so, but then it would only get worse and more aggressive because I deprived him of it. Sometimes it would be 3-4 times a day. This nightmare would go on for 3 years. I decided that when I turned 15 I could get a real job. I then applied at Ponderosa and was hired. I became very depressed which lead to my manager calling me in her office. She asked me if something was going on at home. I explained to her what had happened and the only reason I had this job was to get out of the misery that I was in. She told me I needed to tell my parents, or she was going to. I went home and told my mom. About a year prior to that I tried to tell my mom that he was touching me; but I kind of only told her he patted me on the butt. She told me that he was just an old man and didn’t know any better, so I never said another word. When I did tell her the whole situation, we decided to go to the police and file a report. The police took the info and wanted to know if I wanted to press charges. If you press charges on anyone then the story goes in the news. I did not want that. Soon after that the police went to his house for questioning. They asked him if anything had been happening and he denied the whole thing. A few days later they went back and asked again. He said all he did was fondled me. I mean common, REALLY? They basically told him to never have any more children working for him and to never do it again. He was the head chief of the fire dept in his working years. So I guess if you are important in life, you must be able to get away with murder. I know that when he admitted to the molestation, he threatened the police that he would kill himself if they took him to jail. He did offer to pay for counseling. Not long after the whole report, I found out that he had gotten his prostate cancer back. He became ill and needed someone to care for him. My grandmother volunteered herself to go and take care of him. I told her what he did, and her response was that I didn’t know what molestation was. I was so hurt. No one ever believed me. To this day my father of all people has never said one thing about the situation. I never got an apology or anything. My grandma was a very religious woman and was always talking to people about God. I pray that she never led him to Christ before he died. I cannot bear the thought of him in heaven while I am down here suffering. Now that he is gone, I still deal with emotions, flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares. I don’t know if I will ever get better. I still have trouble with masturbation from the addiction of what he did to me; which brings me back to the memory of that misery. I often wonder why me? Nothing ever happened to my sister the whole time she was there. What did I do wrong? I asked my friend Leigh a few weeks ago if anything ever happened to her when she was there. She told me that she told me when we were younger, but I must have blocked it all out. She said one day she decided to go do some bills for him, and she went by herself, but normally didn’t. When she got there she was writing out some checks. He reached from behind and touched her breasts. She told him to stop, because he was like a grandpa to her. She said, he did it one more time, and she ran out of that house so fast and never went back. Supposedly the next day she told me the story, and I told her, please promise me you will never go there alone anymore. I protected her, but I couldn’t even protect myself. What is wrong with me? I feel like I was the failure that could have prevented this nightmare. My hope of getting better, forgiving, having self worth, trusting others, and loving is gone. I feel lost. I don’t know how to get over this. You would think that after 16 years a person wouldn’t still be having issues with it, and she would have moved on. Instead I relive these thoughts almost daily. One little trigger and im in another world. I am screaming for someone to take my hand and show me my way out of this mess.

isolation again

I really don’t want to isolate, but I feel like that is what my mind is telling me to do. Deep down I want someone to reach out to me and tell me its gonna be ok. But in reality its not. I have tried for 20 yrs to make it right, and yet I continually go downhill. I just feel like nothing that is going to come out of my mouth is positive, so its best to just shut my mouth and isolate. I am shutting people out of my life, because its my way of keeping them from getting hurt, and yet its killing me. I want nothing more than for god to take me out of this world. Yes I want to be happy, but I guess I don’t know what happy is. It hurts so much to feel this way. I cant get out of the slump. Im just so sick of it day after day with no result except feeling more misery. I have no motivation whatsoever. I don’t want to get out of bed. Wouldn’t you stop trying if all you get is the same results for 20 yrs plus. I am hurt, I cant trust people, I have so much guilt, shame, bitterness, anger, and complete sadness that constantly run thru my head. I cant even live in this world, because my mind is in another. I feel like a broken record, so I might as well isolate. No one wants to truly know how I feel, because they hear it all the time. I want to be loved so much, and yet when it happens I push it away. I just put my walls up and block everyone. People just think its gonna get better. The truth is, it doesn’t. It just seems as if I am a little better because I have to fake my life of happiness, when truly I am dying inside.

Will I ever get thru this?

I can feel my body slowly going downhill. My emotions are getting stronger. All I want to do is just stay in bed. I just wonder if what I am doing is really worth it. Is it all gonna be the same thing 3 months down the road? I mean I have dealt with this for almost 20 yrs. As I get older, I notice that I feel a lot more. I hurt a lot more, and I learn more and more about me. I am learning that this is a battle that is never going to be won. My mind and emotions are attacked daily. I know I say that I cant take it, but I am being serious. I just dont feel good. I ache, my heart aches. I wish I could explain it, but you would have to be in my body. I seek out friends, I seek out God, I read my bible, yet I feel as if im at a standstill. Whats new? I went to the library today to study and read my bible, yet after 15 min I just gave up. Im not motivated, and or focused. If I dont focus, then there isnt a point in moving on because nothing will sink in. I just want to die. No I would not physically kill myself, but feeling like this is dying inside. I force myself to go to work, because I dont have a choice. I force myself to do things with people, yet when I am there I am not really me. I force a smile so that I am accepted in life, yet I feel so alone. I cant seem to focus on turning the negatives into the positives. Why? Why do I have to be this way? I mean would you want to live this way everyday? I want to reach out and tell people what I am feeling, but once again its the same stuff, different day. Does anyone really care? Does anyone believe that I am going to get thru this? Cause I sure dont see it. Maybe it is hopeless. Why do i even try. Maybe its time to just take a break from life. Lock myself in my house, dont talk to anyone, and just think! Maybe I will get somewhere with my thoughts this time. Ugh I just cant stand me anymore.

Just blah!!

Today I am just so confused about life. Where is my life going? Is it ever going to get better or bearable? I just feel I have to push myself everyday to even do the simplest tasks. I am always tired and always want to sleep. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I feel as if I really don’t have a lot of people I can talk to because I am just a broken record. I just wish I could take someone’s sickness from them, or disease so that they can live. It would just be easier if I didn’t have to struggle everyday to get by. I am tired of faking a smile and trying to be happy. Its so hard when your insides are screaming, yet your outside is fake. I just wish my heart and mind matched what everyone sees . I know I have so many walls in my life that keep me from getting the healing or relief that I need. I am so afraid to even crack those walls down a little, because I fear I may become worse. I push people away even when what I really want is for them to be close. I isolate and say I want to be left alone, but what I really want is someone to knock on my door and just hold me when I am sad. I came across some old records last week from my stay at Madison Center. I was reading thru a few tests that they had me take to determine what kind of depression I had. As I read thru these my heart just melted. Basically it said I had major depression, but probably would not be ok for medicine because I need better coping skills. It’s true! My coping skills are what is killing me. I get angry. I eat my worries away, even though it doesn’t help. I put my mind in the “I don’t care, and don’t want help mode”. I have addictions that I cannot stop because of my past. I really don’t have a good coping skill. I really have tried positive coping skills, but it just doesn’t cut it. These coping skills are going to kill me or get me in a lot of trouble. I just want someone to understand. Someone to reach out, before I explode. I want someone to not judge me no matter what I tell them. I need help dealing with all of the strongholds in my mind from my past. I want to be loved and shown love. I want to love others without wondering if they just are nice because they know I have mental issues. I want to have a closer relationship with God, but I cant trust or have faith in anything. I just feel so lost and feel like im screaming for help, but no one hears me!

Thoughts for today.

God please help me today. I cry out to you, and yet I feel nothing. I feel no help. I hurt today. My mind is in shambles. I feel like a complete and utter hopeless mess. My heart is so heavy with so many emotions. I feel like I have 1000 bricks piled on my heart and it hurts. Its hurts so much. I just wish someoene out there knew what was going on inside of me. I wish someone could feel this pain, feel this misery, feel this ache. I long for happiness, some kind of joy, anything to not feel this emptyness. God take these memories away. Take this panic of flashbacks away. Take these suicidal thoughts away. Just take me away please I beg you. I hurt too much. I cant control these thoughts anymore, I cant control my mind, my body, I dont even know who I am anymore. I just want someone to reach out, and hold my hand through all of this. I need to be held, I need to be loved, I need to be heard. I am screaming inside for help, I cant hold it together anymore. Please, anyone, someone help me.

Thoughts.

Ok it has been 2 months since I have blogged. My life still pretty much remains the same. I have not taken any psych meds or sleeping pills since April. I went to the doctor, and both doctors dont like it because they say that my depression is major depression and its not just gonna go away. I told them I feel the same way on meds as I do without them, so there is no reason for me to be on meds and waste my money. I told them I am fully capable to call them if I need them. I also have not gone to counseling since April either. I am not gonna pay someone to tell me to change my negative thoughts into positive thoughts. I was doing fine for at least a month and a half, but lately I have gone back down into the pits. Somedays I dont have a clue why I feel this way, and other days it could be my past, or my mind. I feel as if I am always under attack. I dont think anyone really understands the misery that I go thru everyday. People think that depression is just your sad one min, and then it just suddenly goes away. Mine never goes away. Its always there, always in the back of my mind. I would like to say I have my good days, but a good day to me, is totally opposite of a good day for someone normal. I just want some peace. Its horrible to have your mind going so fast on negative thoughts, that you cant even concentrate or focus on anything but the negative thinking that is roaring thru my mind. I cant win. Even when I sleep I have these horrible dreams, and horrible flashbacks. I worry about everything under the sun. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I would love to say I just want to be me, but the only me that I know, is the miserable, unhappy, hopeless, ME!

ugh.

So tired of feeling like I have to pull teeth for people to be my
friend. I get stood up all the time. I don't have any friends that just call me up to talk or to invite me out. Why do I always have to initiate everything? I thought I don't have anyone that I can call my best friend because no one puts forth the effort on theother side. I guess I a m not meant to be happy And have friends. What did I do so wrong in life?

I hope that I can look back and have hope on this....

So I had a conversation with Lois tonight on facebook. I was really discouraged and she gave me many words of encouragement. With the way that I am feeling its hard to take it all in, so I am just gonna post her words. Hopefully I can feel the hope  soon.

Feelings are deceitful and ever changing... one min your happy, the next numb, then depressed, then you dont even know what you are feeling... you cant live life based on how your feeling, its truth you need to live by not emotions, the truth is that you are not hopeless, you are not helpless, there is hope, there is something out there that is bigger than you and that can put all of your broken pieces back together as if it were never broken.


Its difficult, i know the feeling of feeling lonely, i know it well, but there comes a point in life where there needs to be a stand and say "thats it , no more"... look ahead, look at christ, never take your eyes off him , for it is than that you fall deeper into brokenness, and dont be fooled , it does take time to heal, it doesnt happen over night, its a process that is painful but so worth it when completed

i am thankful that you feel our genuine love for you and that we do deeply care about you. most importantly God loves you beyond words and its hard to see it when your in a hard place. i do pray for you and whether you believe it or not, this to shall pass and you will smile once again, you will experience true deep joy and you will know how to feel peace and happiness consistently

you are a brave woman and have such a bright and beautiful future, dont let anything or anyone including yourself say that you are worthless or that you have lack of value , you are full of value

you are precious and you are important part of this life

it is hard, it is difficult, nothing comes easy however those things we fight for are worth the pain some timesdont be discouraged, dont feel hopeless, there is so much to life that you can not see but i tell you, keep your chin up,,, and the best part of this , is that you dont need to fight, you dont need to be strong because the Lord will do it for you, He will carry you when you cant walk.

He will pick you up when you fall, He is there to fight for you when you have no fight, you just need to be still and just trust Him and trust that you are deeply loved. what i do know is that God does hear you, He hears your cries, He sees your pain and is holding you in His hands, dont give up, dont give up, dont give upi am always here... i do care about you deeply, i do cherish you and your life, i do love you, i will continue to pray, i will pray that you may feel Gods love and His voice that is speaking over you and into you, i pray that your ears will hear and that your eyes will see what God wants to show you and tell you,,, He is just waiting to sing love songs over you and to speak truth of who you were created to be...

Thank you Lois.

Another day of misery.

I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my heart tonight. My mind is going so fast that I cant even process the thoughts- even though I guess I have never been able to process them. My concentration at work was awful today. My anxiety is thru the roof. I feel so alone right now. I need more people in my life. I need people there, people to love me, and people to show me the way. I cry out to God and ask Him to please invade me and make my thoughts his thoughts. I just want to feel like I am being held in Gods hands, but instead I feel like satan is pushing a pitchfork right thru my heart. I am miserable. I know there are steps to take to get thru all of this, but I want to take leaps. I want it now. I have started with forgiveness, but I dont feel like I am getting anywhere. I am going round and round the circle. I just want to be held, held, held. I want someone to love me for who I am. I dont want to be a hopeless broken record.I have no motivation to push thru this. I need to be pushed thru this hell. HELP

A poem I wrote when I was in high school

Life is short
the days grow long
Sometimes I lay in bed and think...
What would the world be without me?
Stepping up to the bridge, climbing upon it.
Ready...Jump
Jump to what
my destiny?
I find that the reason I have lived is to die
So my final words are I love you and goodbye.

Isolation

Well I am once again putting myself into isolation mode. I just dont feel motivated. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. I hate my life. All that I can think is negative dark emotions. I lay in bed all day when I dont have to work, worrying, crying, and wishing I were dead. Part of me wants to reach out to my friends, but I am telling myself to keep it all in. I feel as if I am dying inside, screaming for help. I want help from others, but something is telling me to pull away from friend, dont get to close. I don't deserve friends. Its so hard to admit all of your problems to friends, because 1. If you say to much you will get admitted, 2. You will scare the friend away. I am tired of people telling me that they are worried about me getting a baby because of my emotional state. I know that a baby will take some of my depression away, but its not like I am going to take my emotions out on the baby. I am so hurt, and deeply angry. I am tired of my heart aching with pain and feeling shattered. I just want someone to hold me while I cry, ask me how I am doing, listen when all I can do is cry, hugs, and love. Why cant I accept this? Why me?

How I am feeling.

I wanted to just put what I am feeling out there. I just feel like this depression is destroying my life. I feel like I am at the bottom of the worlds largest mountain walking with lead boots stuck in cement. It seems like everything else in life is right, and I am wrong. Its like I am watching happiness in a glass box all around me, and I am screaming for help but no one hears me. I feel smothered everyday from this awful feeling. I feel like my life is shattered bit by bit. My mind goes so fast, I cant even keep up with it. My mind goes thru so many emotions of hopelessness, feeling weak, ugly, unwanted, not valued, just a complete and utter loser. I just drown further and further into the pit. I feel dead because I cant enjoy life, I cant be happy, but the pain is the only thing I feel that is telling me that I am alive. I cant make decisions on my own, I have no self confidence, I don’t trust anyone, I cant have relationships with people for the fear of this stuff happening over again. I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I constantly worry. I am worried for my parents health, my nieces, my aunt, my life. I fear closing my eyes at night because I might wake up and see him standing there. I fear closing my eyes because I don’t want to dream that awful nightmare. I have constant flashbacks, panic attacks, and thoughts of death. I would never kill myself, but feeling like this makes me not want to be on this earth. I feel abandoned, and lonely. Knowing that at least one person in my life gives a shit, and tries to help really gives me a glimpse of some sort of feeling loved. I feel so needy, I am such a mess. I want to be happy, but I am not sure I know what happiness is. I cant remember who I am because this demon, this depression has overtaken me. Most people have depression for a few days, or a few weeks, but me- I have it everyday, every hour, every minute. I cant control it! I know that I am losing it. I hurt, my heart hurts, my mind aches with pain. I don’t understand why God would create a living hell for someone, why am I cursed, why me. Its says God never gives you more than you can handle. Well I cant handle it, so it must be a lie. He will never leave us or forsake us- HA- not true. Sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.,REALLY? Peace I give you, life abundant? I am suppose to believe and trust something that I have never experienced. I just don’t get it

Redding CA, to Gilbert AZ, to Indiana! WOWSER

Wow it has been 5 months since I have blogged. I guess my life has just been a bit busy to say the least. Well-the last time I blogged was in August! At that time I was still in CA! I moved in to a duplex and lived with 3 amazing girls!I worked at a group home for girls that have been in gangs, violence, alcohol, and drugs. I went to church as much as I could! I really enjoy Kris Valloton a lot. He knocks the message right down to your heart. I did a session called Sozo. It means saved, healed, and delivered. I have heard lots of positive results- but with me- it wasnt so positive. So thats all I am gonna say about that. I wont lie when I was in CA- it was rough a lot of the time. I believe its because God was like ok- time to open up! I was not comfortable with that, so I was stubborn. I did get really close with a few people when I was there. Those few people helped me make it through the pits!
Well I stayed for 3 months in CA, that is until my job decided that the state had to cut back on employees because they could not afford to pay so many people. Since I was the low man on the pole- I got told they would keep me, but it would only be as needed. I couldnt afford that. This is CA we are talking about! HA! I wish I could have stayed longer, but I needed a good paying job fast!
I was going to move to Indiana back home and look for a job, but 3 days before I was going to move, I got a call from my sister in AZ. She told me to come live with her, because there would be more room and she could get me an interview first thing monday morning. I left sat afternoon. It was an emotional car ride. I think I cried over half the time. My heart was breaking because I was leaving my friends. I was leaving people that loved me. My love tank was so full, and I could just feel it empty as I was driving. I got to AZ- and no call for an interview. Long story short- My sister messed my resume up. Instead of putting I had 5 yrs experience- she accidently put I only had 6 months experience. Its a long story- but it did get straightened out. I never did get an interview with those people. I think I am glad I didnt. I got a part time job at Subway. It kept me busy. I was miserable in AZ. I missed my friends, I missed my family, and I missed church. I cried myself to sleep most of the nights. I was miserable, broken, and needed love. I got really depressed (as if I am not anyways) but it was bad. I decided I was gonna email my old boss in Indiana to see if she had any openings. Within 20 min- she responded and was delighted to have me back. I moved 1 week later back to Indiana. SO Here I am working in good old South bend, and living in Laporte with my cousin until I can catch some bills up! Its good to go to a job where you are appreciated. The positives- well- closer to family, (esp my mom) better paying job, and free living so far! So this is where I am as of 1/13/10. I plan to stay in Indiana for awhile.

Week 3

Well- I am on week 3. I can definatly say that it is not what I expected. I thought I would come here and everything would be great, and I would be soo happy. Wow- was I wrong. I knew I didnt like change- but this is big big big change. It is going to take a long time to get use to this. I am working at Subway until I find something more permanent, and that pays some more. I only live with these roommates for another 2weeks- and then I have to find another place to live. I had an offer to live in a 2 bedroom apt with 1 other roommate, but I really think I need to be with more people in a home, so that I dont isolate, and lock myself in my room. I have a place that I can go- with 6 other girls. I would be sharing a room. My only downfall is that you have to pay 500 deposit and 300 for rent. That would be 800 out of my pocket at once- and I just dont want to do that- because then I would be left with very little. Hopefully God comes thru and helps me find a better job!!

I wont lie- I am struggling. I am having a hard time adjusting and being ok. I think it will better once I get into a core group and start to make friends. Its just hard because I go to work, and then come home and sit in my room all night. I dont think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I just really need some strength and peace. Well thats pretty much all I have to say for now!

Seriously- What the heck am I doing wrong?

I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I am getting nowhere. I thought I was ok after I hung out with Ashley and Jenna. But its not better. It takes everything in me to not break down. I cant even hang out with anyone, because all I think about is how miserable I am. I am battling so many fights in my head. It really stinks when you can hear satans voice so much louder than God. I constantly hear- this isnt going to work, you are a failure and always will be, no one cares, no one loves you, just give up, you are a loser, you will never get to where you want to be, you are stupid, you never will amount to anything- those are just a few examples. I have soooo much negativity and I cant take it anymore. I ask God to hear him louder and to come close to me. I just need Him to hold me and show me the love He has. I just cant grasp it. I am so depressed and just wish I wasnt here anymore. I would never do anything to harm myself, but I just have those moments where i really think it would be better and easier if I were not here. I go to the services and they are really good, but then I get home and I am so much more depressed than I was. I see all these healings and happy people- and I want that soo bad. I just dont know what I am doing wrong. Why cant I have that. Why cant I be full? I am so empty. My love tank is empty and so bone dry that I wouldnt even know what to do with it if i had it. I just feel I am wearing my friend down- so I guess the best thing to do is isolate and leave them alone. They have there own stuff, and its not fair if I do that to them. Its prob best if I just dont have friends right now. AAAAHHHH I am so lost. And everyone says ask God, talk to God, be with Him- I really am trying but am getting nowhere! HELP

I made it to CA

Ok- so I made it to California. I dont want to ever take that road trip again. I hate road trips! I love Ashley to death for going with me- because without her I would have never taken the trip. I truly apologize to Ashley for having to put up with me. I was really fighting battles in my head the whole way there. Every part of me wanted to shut down, and was shutting down. Ashley prob never wants to ever take another trip with me- EVER.

So the trip started out with Ashley and I going to Panera. When we came out to the car there was a huge and I mean huge beetle on the floor. Ashley tried to get it, but it escaped under the seat. We both had the heebe jeebes! So about an hour later, Ashley moved her purse, and the beetle was crawling on her leg! EWWWW- Well thankfully we let him out and we were on our way.

The first night we stayed with Ashley's friend Katy Joy. I am very thankful that we had a place to stay for a night because it really saves money. The next night we were soooo tired, and decided to stop at a Motel 6. Can I just say- SICK! The floors were wood floors and they were not clean. The lamps didnt work by the bed, and Ashley found a bug in her bed. Needless to say- We didnt really sleep- which did not make for a good road trip. So we were on our way again. Our plan was to try to go as long as we could till we got to CA- but about 9 ish- I couldnt take it anymore- I didnt care where we stopped- but I was tired and ready to be done! We stopped in Nevada at a Days Inn- It was soooooo nice and we slept like babies! We then had 8 hrs to go! I had horrible stomach pains all the way there. I dont know if it was gas, stress, or what. I could not get relief.

We made it to California about 7 at night. I was so overwhelemed instead of excited. I couldnt process- All I wanted to do was cry. I then left to go to my new place and new roommates. I got there- and met my 4 roommates- They are really nice and very supportive. I took a shower, and then went to my room and cried the rest of the night. The next day I looked for jobs, and have been ever since. I swear that everytime that I am alone I cry cry cry. Just when I dont think that I have anymore to cry- then I lose it once again. I want to pack my bags and just go back home. I know this isnt the right thing to do, but man I just cant seem to be happy. I hope that it gets better. So I will keep everyone posted- but for now- I just better stop cause I am not exactly in the right mind!

Just my luck!

So I think my luck is going downhill. I took my car in last week to get my rim replaced because I bent it awhile ago hitting a lovely pothole. So I finally got that fixed hoping it would take away the low pressure air light in my car. The next day I took it to my dealership to get my car looked at because the clock went out and also my steering wheel was making noise. They checked it out and said that the 2 things were under warranty. The good thing is that he only charged me half of what they said they were going to charge me! I guess God was looking out for my finances! But then he said my tire pressure light is on. They checked it out and said that I had a hole in my tire! Well isnt that special! I was just at the tire place yesterday- and they just left it like that! So I left there and took my car in and told them that they just replaced the rim yesterday, and the same tire has a hole in it. I was not happy. They looked in there inventory and said- I am sorry we dont carry a tire in that size! SPLENDID! So I had to drive all the way to South Bend to get the tire replaced. Thank God I bought the warranty on the tire. The only good news that came out of this was that I got to hang out with Chasity and Jerry. And I also got to meet Elizabeth (my next possible roommate). When I was with Elizabeth we took a long walk on the East Race. I love to walk- but the next day my muscles were sore. It has been about 4 days since then, and now I have this really horrific pain in my pelvic bone. I dont know if I pulled a muscle or popped a joint. All I know is it takes my breath away if i move the wrong way. So now I get to go to the doctor again and get a possible xray! Why is it when I get ready to go out of town or move that all of the sudden things go downhill? GGRRRRRR
So I am waiting for parts to come in for the car, and waiting to go to the doctor in a few hours! YAY ME!!!! Do you sense the sarcasm?

Thank you Jesus!!!!!!!!

Jesus is so good to me! Sometimes I think He is like- Stephanie let me show you what I can do if you just trust me! I have definatley been blessed this week! I recieved 2 calls about housing! YAY! I am going to live with 4 other girls in a house for a month! Then I will go from there about what to do next! But at least I know where I am going! I also got an email about a job. I am going to call them for an interview once I get there! My dad had surgery on his heart yesterday, and he came home today! Thank you Jesus!!!! So needless to say- I have had a mostly good week! All it took was just a little bit of faith that things were going to be ok! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

12 days left until I leave for CA

Oh what I would give for just a few hours of peace.

Well, I have 12 days left until I leave for CA. I have so many mixed emotions. I am not going to lie- my negatives outweigh my positives. I just keep telling myself God is in control. If I say this enough, just maybe one day I will finally believe it. I am getting a little worried, because I still dont have a place to live. The people that I have talked to emailed me and said that they found roommates. I am also worried about finances and how I am going to afford all of this? I just pray that I find a good paying job, but when I look on job sites online- the pay rate doesnt look so promising. I just wish that I could trust God with everything. I know that doubt, fear, worry, and unbelief are not of God- but how the heck do I get them out of my head? PRAY PRAY PRAY- I really am trying- but I just cant get the negativity and unbelief out of my head. I just dont understand how God is so big, and mighty to do all of this for me.....Please God help me to trust you with every single part of me. I declare that I am going to be a free woman. I pray that the enemy has no part of me and my mind! please please please help me!

Relief!!!

Its been a few days since I wrote. I just want to say thank you for all those that have been praying for me. God does answer prayers! I am a definatley calmer this week than last week. My mind is at a point where I can process things one at a time; which is a plus! I only have 17 days left until I leave for CA. I was going thru some more of my stuff, and getting rid of stuff! WOW reality is really starting to hit. I need to visit with my friends that live here, and I need to spend time with my family! AHH Its a good thing, not a negative thing. Is this really coming out of my mouth? God is starting to give me a little peace about certain things! If you could all just keep me in your prayers about finding a place to live, and a job- that would be amazing! I am still having trouble really trusting God without doubt and fear. But I am on the right path. I just keep telling myself, no matter how much I doubt it- GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!!!!!!!