isolation again

I really don’t want to isolate, but I feel like that is what my mind is telling me to do. Deep down I want someone to reach out to me and tell me its gonna be ok. But in reality its not. I have tried for 20 yrs to make it right, and yet I continually go downhill. I just feel like nothing that is going to come out of my mouth is positive, so its best to just shut my mouth and isolate. I am shutting people out of my life, because its my way of keeping them from getting hurt, and yet its killing me. I want nothing more than for god to take me out of this world. Yes I want to be happy, but I guess I don’t know what happy is. It hurts so much to feel this way. I cant get out of the slump. Im just so sick of it day after day with no result except feeling more misery. I have no motivation whatsoever. I don’t want to get out of bed. Wouldn’t you stop trying if all you get is the same results for 20 yrs plus. I am hurt, I cant trust people, I have so much guilt, shame, bitterness, anger, and complete sadness that constantly run thru my head. I cant even live in this world, because my mind is in another. I feel like a broken record, so I might as well isolate. No one wants to truly know how I feel, because they hear it all the time. I want to be loved so much, and yet when it happens I push it away. I just put my walls up and block everyone. People just think its gonna get better. The truth is, it doesn’t. It just seems as if I am a little better because I have to fake my life of happiness, when truly I am dying inside.