Just blah!!

Today I am just so confused about life. Where is my life going? Is it ever going to get better or bearable? I just feel I have to push myself everyday to even do the simplest tasks. I am always tired and always want to sleep. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I feel as if I really don’t have a lot of people I can talk to because I am just a broken record. I just wish I could take someone’s sickness from them, or disease so that they can live. It would just be easier if I didn’t have to struggle everyday to get by. I am tired of faking a smile and trying to be happy. Its so hard when your insides are screaming, yet your outside is fake. I just wish my heart and mind matched what everyone sees . I know I have so many walls in my life that keep me from getting the healing or relief that I need. I am so afraid to even crack those walls down a little, because I fear I may become worse. I push people away even when what I really want is for them to be close. I isolate and say I want to be left alone, but what I really want is someone to knock on my door and just hold me when I am sad. I came across some old records last week from my stay at Madison Center. I was reading thru a few tests that they had me take to determine what kind of depression I had. As I read thru these my heart just melted. Basically it said I had major depression, but probably would not be ok for medicine because I need better coping skills. It’s true! My coping skills are what is killing me. I get angry. I eat my worries away, even though it doesn’t help. I put my mind in the “I don’t care, and don’t want help mode”. I have addictions that I cannot stop because of my past. I really don’t have a good coping skill. I really have tried positive coping skills, but it just doesn’t cut it. These coping skills are going to kill me or get me in a lot of trouble. I just want someone to understand. Someone to reach out, before I explode. I want someone to not judge me no matter what I tell them. I need help dealing with all of the strongholds in my mind from my past. I want to be loved and shown love. I want to love others without wondering if they just are nice because they know I have mental issues. I want to have a closer relationship with God, but I cant trust or have faith in anything. I just feel so lost and feel like im screaming for help, but no one hears me!