How I am feeling.

I wanted to just put what I am feeling out there. I just feel like this depression is destroying my life. I feel like I am at the bottom of the worlds largest mountain walking with lead boots stuck in cement. It seems like everything else in life is right, and I am wrong. Its like I am watching happiness in a glass box all around me, and I am screaming for help but no one hears me. I feel smothered everyday from this awful feeling. I feel like my life is shattered bit by bit. My mind goes so fast, I cant even keep up with it. My mind goes thru so many emotions of hopelessness, feeling weak, ugly, unwanted, not valued, just a complete and utter loser. I just drown further and further into the pit. I feel dead because I cant enjoy life, I cant be happy, but the pain is the only thing I feel that is telling me that I am alive. I cant make decisions on my own, I have no self confidence, I don’t trust anyone, I cant have relationships with people for the fear of this stuff happening over again. I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I constantly worry. I am worried for my parents health, my nieces, my aunt, my life. I fear closing my eyes at night because I might wake up and see him standing there. I fear closing my eyes because I don’t want to dream that awful nightmare. I have constant flashbacks, panic attacks, and thoughts of death. I would never kill myself, but feeling like this makes me not want to be on this earth. I feel abandoned, and lonely. Knowing that at least one person in my life gives a shit, and tries to help really gives me a glimpse of some sort of feeling loved. I feel so needy, I am such a mess. I want to be happy, but I am not sure I know what happiness is. I cant remember who I am because this demon, this depression has overtaken me. Most people have depression for a few days, or a few weeks, but me- I have it everyday, every hour, every minute. I cant control it! I know that I am losing it. I hurt, my heart hurts, my mind aches with pain. I don’t understand why God would create a living hell for someone, why am I cursed, why me. Its says God never gives you more than you can handle. Well I cant handle it, so it must be a lie. He will never leave us or forsake us- HA- not true. Sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.,REALLY? Peace I give you, life abundant? I am suppose to believe and trust something that I have never experienced. I just don’t get it