Will I ever get thru this?

I can feel my body slowly going downhill. My emotions are getting stronger. All I want to do is just stay in bed. I just wonder if what I am doing is really worth it. Is it all gonna be the same thing 3 months down the road? I mean I have dealt with this for almost 20 yrs. As I get older, I notice that I feel a lot more. I hurt a lot more, and I learn more and more about me. I am learning that this is a battle that is never going to be won. My mind and emotions are attacked daily. I know I say that I cant take it, but I am being serious. I just dont feel good. I ache, my heart aches. I wish I could explain it, but you would have to be in my body. I seek out friends, I seek out God, I read my bible, yet I feel as if im at a standstill. Whats new? I went to the library today to study and read my bible, yet after 15 min I just gave up. Im not motivated, and or focused. If I dont focus, then there isnt a point in moving on because nothing will sink in. I just want to die. No I would not physically kill myself, but feeling like this is dying inside. I force myself to go to work, because I dont have a choice. I force myself to do things with people, yet when I am there I am not really me. I force a smile so that I am accepted in life, yet I feel so alone. I cant seem to focus on turning the negatives into the positives. Why? Why do I have to be this way? I mean would you want to live this way everyday? I want to reach out and tell people what I am feeling, but once again its the same stuff, different day. Does anyone really care? Does anyone believe that I am going to get thru this? Cause I sure dont see it. Maybe it is hopeless. Why do i even try. Maybe its time to just take a break from life. Lock myself in my house, dont talk to anyone, and just think! Maybe I will get somewhere with my thoughts this time. Ugh I just cant stand me anymore.