Isolation

Well I am once again putting myself into isolation mode. I just dont feel motivated. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. I hate my life. All that I can think is negative dark emotions. I lay in bed all day when I dont have to work, worrying, crying, and wishing I were dead. Part of me wants to reach out to my friends, but I am telling myself to keep it all in. I feel as if I am dying inside, screaming for help. I want help from others, but something is telling me to pull away from friend, dont get to close. I don't deserve friends. Its so hard to admit all of your problems to friends, because 1. If you say to much you will get admitted, 2. You will scare the friend away. I am tired of people telling me that they are worried about me getting a baby because of my emotional state. I know that a baby will take some of my depression away, but its not like I am going to take my emotions out on the baby. I am so hurt, and deeply angry. I am tired of my heart aching with pain and feeling shattered. I just want someone to hold me while I cry, ask me how I am doing, listen when all I can do is cry, hugs, and love. Why cant I accept this? Why me?