Will I ever get thru this?

I can feel my body slowly going downhill. My emotions are getting stronger. All I want to do is just stay in bed. I just wonder if what I am doing is really worth it. Is it all gonna be the same thing 3 months down the road? I mean I have dealt with this for almost 20 yrs. As I get older, I notice that I feel a lot more. I hurt a lot more, and I learn more and more about me. I am learning that this is a battle that is never going to be won. My mind and emotions are attacked daily. I know I say that I cant take it, but I am being serious. I just dont feel good. I ache, my heart aches. I wish I could explain it, but you would have to be in my body. I seek out friends, I seek out God, I read my bible, yet I feel as if im at a standstill. Whats new? I went to the library today to study and read my bible, yet after 15 min I just gave up. Im not motivated, and or focused. If I dont focus, then there isnt a point in moving on because nothing will sink in. I just want to die. No I would not physically kill myself, but feeling like this is dying inside. I force myself to go to work, because I dont have a choice. I force myself to do things with people, yet when I am there I am not really me. I force a smile so that I am accepted in life, yet I feel so alone. I cant seem to focus on turning the negatives into the positives. Why? Why do I have to be this way? I mean would you want to live this way everyday? I want to reach out and tell people what I am feeling, but once again its the same stuff, different day. Does anyone really care? Does anyone believe that I am going to get thru this? Cause I sure dont see it. Maybe it is hopeless. Why do i even try. Maybe its time to just take a break from life. Lock myself in my house, dont talk to anyone, and just think! Maybe I will get somewhere with my thoughts this time. Ugh I just cant stand me anymore.

Just blah!!

Today I am just so confused about life. Where is my life going? Is it ever going to get better or bearable? I just feel I have to push myself everyday to even do the simplest tasks. I am always tired and always want to sleep. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I feel as if I really don’t have a lot of people I can talk to because I am just a broken record. I just wish I could take someone’s sickness from them, or disease so that they can live. It would just be easier if I didn’t have to struggle everyday to get by. I am tired of faking a smile and trying to be happy. Its so hard when your insides are screaming, yet your outside is fake. I just wish my heart and mind matched what everyone sees . I know I have so many walls in my life that keep me from getting the healing or relief that I need. I am so afraid to even crack those walls down a little, because I fear I may become worse. I push people away even when what I really want is for them to be close. I isolate and say I want to be left alone, but what I really want is someone to knock on my door and just hold me when I am sad. I came across some old records last week from my stay at Madison Center. I was reading thru a few tests that they had me take to determine what kind of depression I had. As I read thru these my heart just melted. Basically it said I had major depression, but probably would not be ok for medicine because I need better coping skills. It’s true! My coping skills are what is killing me. I get angry. I eat my worries away, even though it doesn’t help. I put my mind in the “I don’t care, and don’t want help mode”. I have addictions that I cannot stop because of my past. I really don’t have a good coping skill. I really have tried positive coping skills, but it just doesn’t cut it. These coping skills are going to kill me or get me in a lot of trouble. I just want someone to understand. Someone to reach out, before I explode. I want someone to not judge me no matter what I tell them. I need help dealing with all of the strongholds in my mind from my past. I want to be loved and shown love. I want to love others without wondering if they just are nice because they know I have mental issues. I want to have a closer relationship with God, but I cant trust or have faith in anything. I just feel so lost and feel like im screaming for help, but no one hears me!

Thoughts for today.

God please help me today. I cry out to you, and yet I feel nothing. I feel no help. I hurt today. My mind is in shambles. I feel like a complete and utter hopeless mess. My heart is so heavy with so many emotions. I feel like I have 1000 bricks piled on my heart and it hurts. Its hurts so much. I just wish someoene out there knew what was going on inside of me. I wish someone could feel this pain, feel this misery, feel this ache. I long for happiness, some kind of joy, anything to not feel this emptyness. God take these memories away. Take this panic of flashbacks away. Take these suicidal thoughts away. Just take me away please I beg you. I hurt too much. I cant control these thoughts anymore, I cant control my mind, my body, I dont even know who I am anymore. I just want someone to reach out, and hold my hand through all of this. I need to be held, I need to be loved, I need to be heard. I am screaming inside for help, I cant hold it together anymore. Please, anyone, someone help me.

Thoughts.

Ok it has been 2 months since I have blogged. My life still pretty much remains the same. I have not taken any psych meds or sleeping pills since April. I went to the doctor, and both doctors dont like it because they say that my depression is major depression and its not just gonna go away. I told them I feel the same way on meds as I do without them, so there is no reason for me to be on meds and waste my money. I told them I am fully capable to call them if I need them. I also have not gone to counseling since April either. I am not gonna pay someone to tell me to change my negative thoughts into positive thoughts. I was doing fine for at least a month and a half, but lately I have gone back down into the pits. Somedays I dont have a clue why I feel this way, and other days it could be my past, or my mind. I feel as if I am always under attack. I dont think anyone really understands the misery that I go thru everyday. People think that depression is just your sad one min, and then it just suddenly goes away. Mine never goes away. Its always there, always in the back of my mind. I would like to say I have my good days, but a good day to me, is totally opposite of a good day for someone normal. I just want some peace. Its horrible to have your mind going so fast on negative thoughts, that you cant even concentrate or focus on anything but the negative thinking that is roaring thru my mind. I cant win. Even when I sleep I have these horrible dreams, and horrible flashbacks. I worry about everything under the sun. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I would love to say I just want to be me, but the only me that I know, is the miserable, unhappy, hopeless, ME!

ugh.

So tired of feeling like I have to pull teeth for people to be my
friend. I get stood up all the time. I don't have any friends that just call me up to talk or to invite me out. Why do I always have to initiate everything? I thought I don't have anyone that I can call my best friend because no one puts forth the effort on theother side. I guess I a m not meant to be happy And have friends. What did I do so wrong in life?

I hope that I can look back and have hope on this....

So I had a conversation with Lois tonight on facebook. I was really discouraged and she gave me many words of encouragement. With the way that I am feeling its hard to take it all in, so I am just gonna post her words. Hopefully I can feel the hope  soon.

Feelings are deceitful and ever changing... one min your happy, the next numb, then depressed, then you dont even know what you are feeling... you cant live life based on how your feeling, its truth you need to live by not emotions, the truth is that you are not hopeless, you are not helpless, there is hope, there is something out there that is bigger than you and that can put all of your broken pieces back together as if it were never broken.


Its difficult, i know the feeling of feeling lonely, i know it well, but there comes a point in life where there needs to be a stand and say "thats it , no more"... look ahead, look at christ, never take your eyes off him , for it is than that you fall deeper into brokenness, and dont be fooled , it does take time to heal, it doesnt happen over night, its a process that is painful but so worth it when completed

i am thankful that you feel our genuine love for you and that we do deeply care about you. most importantly God loves you beyond words and its hard to see it when your in a hard place. i do pray for you and whether you believe it or not, this to shall pass and you will smile once again, you will experience true deep joy and you will know how to feel peace and happiness consistently

you are a brave woman and have such a bright and beautiful future, dont let anything or anyone including yourself say that you are worthless or that you have lack of value , you are full of value

you are precious and you are important part of this life

it is hard, it is difficult, nothing comes easy however those things we fight for are worth the pain some timesdont be discouraged, dont feel hopeless, there is so much to life that you can not see but i tell you, keep your chin up,,, and the best part of this , is that you dont need to fight, you dont need to be strong because the Lord will do it for you, He will carry you when you cant walk.

He will pick you up when you fall, He is there to fight for you when you have no fight, you just need to be still and just trust Him and trust that you are deeply loved. what i do know is that God does hear you, He hears your cries, He sees your pain and is holding you in His hands, dont give up, dont give up, dont give upi am always here... i do care about you deeply, i do cherish you and your life, i do love you, i will continue to pray, i will pray that you may feel Gods love and His voice that is speaking over you and into you, i pray that your ears will hear and that your eyes will see what God wants to show you and tell you,,, He is just waiting to sing love songs over you and to speak truth of who you were created to be...

Thank you Lois.

Another day of misery.

I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my heart tonight. My mind is going so fast that I cant even process the thoughts- even though I guess I have never been able to process them. My concentration at work was awful today. My anxiety is thru the roof. I feel so alone right now. I need more people in my life. I need people there, people to love me, and people to show me the way. I cry out to God and ask Him to please invade me and make my thoughts his thoughts. I just want to feel like I am being held in Gods hands, but instead I feel like satan is pushing a pitchfork right thru my heart. I am miserable. I know there are steps to take to get thru all of this, but I want to take leaps. I want it now. I have started with forgiveness, but I dont feel like I am getting anywhere. I am going round and round the circle. I just want to be held, held, held. I want someone to love me for who I am. I dont want to be a hopeless broken record.I have no motivation to push thru this. I need to be pushed thru this hell. HELP