Thoughts for today.

God please help me today. I cry out to you, and yet I feel nothing. I feel no help. I hurt today. My mind is in shambles. I feel like a complete and utter hopeless mess. My heart is so heavy with so many emotions. I feel like I have 1000 bricks piled on my heart and it hurts. Its hurts so much. I just wish someoene out there knew what was going on inside of me. I wish someone could feel this pain, feel this misery, feel this ache. I long for happiness, some kind of joy, anything to not feel this emptyness. God take these memories away. Take this panic of flashbacks away. Take these suicidal thoughts away. Just take me away please I beg you. I hurt too much. I cant control these thoughts anymore, I cant control my mind, my body, I dont even know who I am anymore. I just want someone to reach out, and hold my hand through all of this. I need to be held, I need to be loved, I need to be heard. I am screaming inside for help, I cant hold it together anymore. Please, anyone, someone help me.

Thoughts.

Ok it has been 2 months since I have blogged. My life still pretty much remains the same. I have not taken any psych meds or sleeping pills since April. I went to the doctor, and both doctors dont like it because they say that my depression is major depression and its not just gonna go away. I told them I feel the same way on meds as I do without them, so there is no reason for me to be on meds and waste my money. I told them I am fully capable to call them if I need them. I also have not gone to counseling since April either. I am not gonna pay someone to tell me to change my negative thoughts into positive thoughts. I was doing fine for at least a month and a half, but lately I have gone back down into the pits. Somedays I dont have a clue why I feel this way, and other days it could be my past, or my mind. I feel as if I am always under attack. I dont think anyone really understands the misery that I go thru everyday. People think that depression is just your sad one min, and then it just suddenly goes away. Mine never goes away. Its always there, always in the back of my mind. I would like to say I have my good days, but a good day to me, is totally opposite of a good day for someone normal. I just want some peace. Its horrible to have your mind going so fast on negative thoughts, that you cant even concentrate or focus on anything but the negative thinking that is roaring thru my mind. I cant win. Even when I sleep I have these horrible dreams, and horrible flashbacks. I worry about everything under the sun. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I would love to say I just want to be me, but the only me that I know, is the miserable, unhappy, hopeless, ME!

ugh.

So tired of feeling like I have to pull teeth for people to be my
friend. I get stood up all the time. I don't have any friends that just call me up to talk or to invite me out. Why do I always have to initiate everything? I thought I don't have anyone that I can call my best friend because no one puts forth the effort on theother side. I guess I a m not meant to be happy And have friends. What did I do so wrong in life?

I hope that I can look back and have hope on this....

So I had a conversation with Lois tonight on facebook. I was really discouraged and she gave me many words of encouragement. With the way that I am feeling its hard to take it all in, so I am just gonna post her words. Hopefully I can feel the hope  soon.

Feelings are deceitful and ever changing... one min your happy, the next numb, then depressed, then you dont even know what you are feeling... you cant live life based on how your feeling, its truth you need to live by not emotions, the truth is that you are not hopeless, you are not helpless, there is hope, there is something out there that is bigger than you and that can put all of your broken pieces back together as if it were never broken.


Its difficult, i know the feeling of feeling lonely, i know it well, but there comes a point in life where there needs to be a stand and say "thats it , no more"... look ahead, look at christ, never take your eyes off him , for it is than that you fall deeper into brokenness, and dont be fooled , it does take time to heal, it doesnt happen over night, its a process that is painful but so worth it when completed

i am thankful that you feel our genuine love for you and that we do deeply care about you. most importantly God loves you beyond words and its hard to see it when your in a hard place. i do pray for you and whether you believe it or not, this to shall pass and you will smile once again, you will experience true deep joy and you will know how to feel peace and happiness consistently

you are a brave woman and have such a bright and beautiful future, dont let anything or anyone including yourself say that you are worthless or that you have lack of value , you are full of value

you are precious and you are important part of this life

it is hard, it is difficult, nothing comes easy however those things we fight for are worth the pain some timesdont be discouraged, dont feel hopeless, there is so much to life that you can not see but i tell you, keep your chin up,,, and the best part of this , is that you dont need to fight, you dont need to be strong because the Lord will do it for you, He will carry you when you cant walk.

He will pick you up when you fall, He is there to fight for you when you have no fight, you just need to be still and just trust Him and trust that you are deeply loved. what i do know is that God does hear you, He hears your cries, He sees your pain and is holding you in His hands, dont give up, dont give up, dont give upi am always here... i do care about you deeply, i do cherish you and your life, i do love you, i will continue to pray, i will pray that you may feel Gods love and His voice that is speaking over you and into you, i pray that your ears will hear and that your eyes will see what God wants to show you and tell you,,, He is just waiting to sing love songs over you and to speak truth of who you were created to be...

Thank you Lois.

Another day of misery.

I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my heart tonight. My mind is going so fast that I cant even process the thoughts- even though I guess I have never been able to process them. My concentration at work was awful today. My anxiety is thru the roof. I feel so alone right now. I need more people in my life. I need people there, people to love me, and people to show me the way. I cry out to God and ask Him to please invade me and make my thoughts his thoughts. I just want to feel like I am being held in Gods hands, but instead I feel like satan is pushing a pitchfork right thru my heart. I am miserable. I know there are steps to take to get thru all of this, but I want to take leaps. I want it now. I have started with forgiveness, but I dont feel like I am getting anywhere. I am going round and round the circle. I just want to be held, held, held. I want someone to love me for who I am. I dont want to be a hopeless broken record.I have no motivation to push thru this. I need to be pushed thru this hell. HELP

A poem I wrote when I was in high school

Life is short
the days grow long
Sometimes I lay in bed and think...
What would the world be without me?
Stepping up to the bridge, climbing upon it.
Ready...Jump
Jump to what
my destiny?
I find that the reason I have lived is to die
So my final words are I love you and goodbye.

Isolation

Well I am once again putting myself into isolation mode. I just dont feel motivated. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. I hate my life. All that I can think is negative dark emotions. I lay in bed all day when I dont have to work, worrying, crying, and wishing I were dead. Part of me wants to reach out to my friends, but I am telling myself to keep it all in. I feel as if I am dying inside, screaming for help. I want help from others, but something is telling me to pull away from friend, dont get to close. I don't deserve friends. Its so hard to admit all of your problems to friends, because 1. If you say to much you will get admitted, 2. You will scare the friend away. I am tired of people telling me that they are worried about me getting a baby because of my emotional state. I know that a baby will take some of my depression away, but its not like I am going to take my emotions out on the baby. I am so hurt, and deeply angry. I am tired of my heart aching with pain and feeling shattered. I just want someone to hold me while I cry, ask me how I am doing, listen when all I can do is cry, hugs, and love. Why cant I accept this? Why me?

How I am feeling.

I wanted to just put what I am feeling out there. I just feel like this depression is destroying my life. I feel like I am at the bottom of the worlds largest mountain walking with lead boots stuck in cement. It seems like everything else in life is right, and I am wrong. Its like I am watching happiness in a glass box all around me, and I am screaming for help but no one hears me. I feel smothered everyday from this awful feeling. I feel like my life is shattered bit by bit. My mind goes so fast, I cant even keep up with it. My mind goes thru so many emotions of hopelessness, feeling weak, ugly, unwanted, not valued, just a complete and utter loser. I just drown further and further into the pit. I feel dead because I cant enjoy life, I cant be happy, but the pain is the only thing I feel that is telling me that I am alive. I cant make decisions on my own, I have no self confidence, I don’t trust anyone, I cant have relationships with people for the fear of this stuff happening over again. I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I constantly worry. I am worried for my parents health, my nieces, my aunt, my life. I fear closing my eyes at night because I might wake up and see him standing there. I fear closing my eyes because I don’t want to dream that awful nightmare. I have constant flashbacks, panic attacks, and thoughts of death. I would never kill myself, but feeling like this makes me not want to be on this earth. I feel abandoned, and lonely. Knowing that at least one person in my life gives a shit, and tries to help really gives me a glimpse of some sort of feeling loved. I feel so needy, I am such a mess. I want to be happy, but I am not sure I know what happiness is. I cant remember who I am because this demon, this depression has overtaken me. Most people have depression for a few days, or a few weeks, but me- I have it everyday, every hour, every minute. I cant control it! I know that I am losing it. I hurt, my heart hurts, my mind aches with pain. I don’t understand why God would create a living hell for someone, why am I cursed, why me. Its says God never gives you more than you can handle. Well I cant handle it, so it must be a lie. He will never leave us or forsake us- HA- not true. Sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.,REALLY? Peace I give you, life abundant? I am suppose to believe and trust something that I have never experienced. I just don’t get it