Week 3

Well- I am on week 3. I can definatly say that it is not what I expected. I thought I would come here and everything would be great, and I would be soo happy. Wow- was I wrong. I knew I didnt like change- but this is big big big change. It is going to take a long time to get use to this. I am working at Subway until I find something more permanent, and that pays some more. I only live with these roommates for another 2weeks- and then I have to find another place to live. I had an offer to live in a 2 bedroom apt with 1 other roommate, but I really think I need to be with more people in a home, so that I dont isolate, and lock myself in my room. I have a place that I can go- with 6 other girls. I would be sharing a room. My only downfall is that you have to pay 500 deposit and 300 for rent. That would be 800 out of my pocket at once- and I just dont want to do that- because then I would be left with very little. Hopefully God comes thru and helps me find a better job!!

I wont lie- I am struggling. I am having a hard time adjusting and being ok. I think it will better once I get into a core group and start to make friends. Its just hard because I go to work, and then come home and sit in my room all night. I dont think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I just really need some strength and peace. Well thats pretty much all I have to say for now!

Seriously- What the heck am I doing wrong?

I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I am getting nowhere. I thought I was ok after I hung out with Ashley and Jenna. But its not better. It takes everything in me to not break down. I cant even hang out with anyone, because all I think about is how miserable I am. I am battling so many fights in my head. It really stinks when you can hear satans voice so much louder than God. I constantly hear- this isnt going to work, you are a failure and always will be, no one cares, no one loves you, just give up, you are a loser, you will never get to where you want to be, you are stupid, you never will amount to anything- those are just a few examples. I have soooo much negativity and I cant take it anymore. I ask God to hear him louder and to come close to me. I just need Him to hold me and show me the love He has. I just cant grasp it. I am so depressed and just wish I wasnt here anymore. I would never do anything to harm myself, but I just have those moments where i really think it would be better and easier if I were not here. I go to the services and they are really good, but then I get home and I am so much more depressed than I was. I see all these healings and happy people- and I want that soo bad. I just dont know what I am doing wrong. Why cant I have that. Why cant I be full? I am so empty. My love tank is empty and so bone dry that I wouldnt even know what to do with it if i had it. I just feel I am wearing my friend down- so I guess the best thing to do is isolate and leave them alone. They have there own stuff, and its not fair if I do that to them. Its prob best if I just dont have friends right now. AAAAHHHH I am so lost. And everyone says ask God, talk to God, be with Him- I really am trying but am getting nowhere! HELP

I made it to CA

Ok- so I made it to California. I dont want to ever take that road trip again. I hate road trips! I love Ashley to death for going with me- because without her I would have never taken the trip. I truly apologize to Ashley for having to put up with me. I was really fighting battles in my head the whole way there. Every part of me wanted to shut down, and was shutting down. Ashley prob never wants to ever take another trip with me- EVER.

So the trip started out with Ashley and I going to Panera. When we came out to the car there was a huge and I mean huge beetle on the floor. Ashley tried to get it, but it escaped under the seat. We both had the heebe jeebes! So about an hour later, Ashley moved her purse, and the beetle was crawling on her leg! EWWWW- Well thankfully we let him out and we were on our way.

The first night we stayed with Ashley's friend Katy Joy. I am very thankful that we had a place to stay for a night because it really saves money. The next night we were soooo tired, and decided to stop at a Motel 6. Can I just say- SICK! The floors were wood floors and they were not clean. The lamps didnt work by the bed, and Ashley found a bug in her bed. Needless to say- We didnt really sleep- which did not make for a good road trip. So we were on our way again. Our plan was to try to go as long as we could till we got to CA- but about 9 ish- I couldnt take it anymore- I didnt care where we stopped- but I was tired and ready to be done! We stopped in Nevada at a Days Inn- It was soooooo nice and we slept like babies! We then had 8 hrs to go! I had horrible stomach pains all the way there. I dont know if it was gas, stress, or what. I could not get relief.

We made it to California about 7 at night. I was so overwhelemed instead of excited. I couldnt process- All I wanted to do was cry. I then left to go to my new place and new roommates. I got there- and met my 4 roommates- They are really nice and very supportive. I took a shower, and then went to my room and cried the rest of the night. The next day I looked for jobs, and have been ever since. I swear that everytime that I am alone I cry cry cry. Just when I dont think that I have anymore to cry- then I lose it once again. I want to pack my bags and just go back home. I know this isnt the right thing to do, but man I just cant seem to be happy. I hope that it gets better. So I will keep everyone posted- but for now- I just better stop cause I am not exactly in the right mind!

Just my luck!

So I think my luck is going downhill. I took my car in last week to get my rim replaced because I bent it awhile ago hitting a lovely pothole. So I finally got that fixed hoping it would take away the low pressure air light in my car. The next day I took it to my dealership to get my car looked at because the clock went out and also my steering wheel was making noise. They checked it out and said that the 2 things were under warranty. The good thing is that he only charged me half of what they said they were going to charge me! I guess God was looking out for my finances! But then he said my tire pressure light is on. They checked it out and said that I had a hole in my tire! Well isnt that special! I was just at the tire place yesterday- and they just left it like that! So I left there and took my car in and told them that they just replaced the rim yesterday, and the same tire has a hole in it. I was not happy. They looked in there inventory and said- I am sorry we dont carry a tire in that size! SPLENDID! So I had to drive all the way to South Bend to get the tire replaced. Thank God I bought the warranty on the tire. The only good news that came out of this was that I got to hang out with Chasity and Jerry. And I also got to meet Elizabeth (my next possible roommate). When I was with Elizabeth we took a long walk on the East Race. I love to walk- but the next day my muscles were sore. It has been about 4 days since then, and now I have this really horrific pain in my pelvic bone. I dont know if I pulled a muscle or popped a joint. All I know is it takes my breath away if i move the wrong way. So now I get to go to the doctor again and get a possible xray! Why is it when I get ready to go out of town or move that all of the sudden things go downhill? GGRRRRRR
So I am waiting for parts to come in for the car, and waiting to go to the doctor in a few hours! YAY ME!!!! Do you sense the sarcasm?

Thank you Jesus!!!!!!!!

Jesus is so good to me! Sometimes I think He is like- Stephanie let me show you what I can do if you just trust me! I have definatley been blessed this week! I recieved 2 calls about housing! YAY! I am going to live with 4 other girls in a house for a month! Then I will go from there about what to do next! But at least I know where I am going! I also got an email about a job. I am going to call them for an interview once I get there! My dad had surgery on his heart yesterday, and he came home today! Thank you Jesus!!!! So needless to say- I have had a mostly good week! All it took was just a little bit of faith that things were going to be ok! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

12 days left until I leave for CA

Oh what I would give for just a few hours of peace.

Well, I have 12 days left until I leave for CA. I have so many mixed emotions. I am not going to lie- my negatives outweigh my positives. I just keep telling myself God is in control. If I say this enough, just maybe one day I will finally believe it. I am getting a little worried, because I still dont have a place to live. The people that I have talked to emailed me and said that they found roommates. I am also worried about finances and how I am going to afford all of this? I just pray that I find a good paying job, but when I look on job sites online- the pay rate doesnt look so promising. I just wish that I could trust God with everything. I know that doubt, fear, worry, and unbelief are not of God- but how the heck do I get them out of my head? PRAY PRAY PRAY- I really am trying- but I just cant get the negativity and unbelief out of my head. I just dont understand how God is so big, and mighty to do all of this for me.....Please God help me to trust you with every single part of me. I declare that I am going to be a free woman. I pray that the enemy has no part of me and my mind! please please please help me!

Relief!!!

Its been a few days since I wrote. I just want to say thank you for all those that have been praying for me. God does answer prayers! I am a definatley calmer this week than last week. My mind is at a point where I can process things one at a time; which is a plus! I only have 17 days left until I leave for CA. I was going thru some more of my stuff, and getting rid of stuff! WOW reality is really starting to hit. I need to visit with my friends that live here, and I need to spend time with my family! AHH Its a good thing, not a negative thing. Is this really coming out of my mouth? God is starting to give me a little peace about certain things! If you could all just keep me in your prayers about finding a place to live, and a job- that would be amazing! I am still having trouble really trusting God without doubt and fear. But I am on the right path. I just keep telling myself, no matter how much I doubt it- GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!!!!!!!