Will I ever get thru this?

I can feel my body slowly going downhill. My emotions are getting stronger. All I want to do is just stay in bed. I just wonder if what I am doing is really worth it. Is it all gonna be the same thing 3 months down the road? I mean I have dealt with this for almost 20 yrs. As I get older, I notice that I feel a lot more. I hurt a lot more, and I learn more and more about me. I am learning that this is a battle that is never going to be won. My mind and emotions are attacked daily. I know I say that I cant take it, but I am being serious. I just dont feel good. I ache, my heart aches. I wish I could explain it, but you would have to be in my body. I seek out friends, I seek out God, I read my bible, yet I feel as if im at a standstill. Whats new? I went to the library today to study and read my bible, yet after 15 min I just gave up. Im not motivated, and or focused. If I dont focus, then there isnt a point in moving on because nothing will sink in. I just want to die. No I would not physically kill myself, but feeling like this is dying inside. I force myself to go to work, because I dont have a choice. I force myself to do things with people, yet when I am there I am not really me. I force a smile so that I am accepted in life, yet I feel so alone. I cant seem to focus on turning the negatives into the positives. Why? Why do I have to be this way? I mean would you want to live this way everyday? I want to reach out and tell people what I am feeling, but once again its the same stuff, different day. Does anyone really care? Does anyone believe that I am going to get thru this? Cause I sure dont see it. Maybe it is hopeless. Why do i even try. Maybe its time to just take a break from life. Lock myself in my house, dont talk to anyone, and just think! Maybe I will get somewhere with my thoughts this time. Ugh I just cant stand me anymore.

Just blah!!

Today I am just so confused about life. Where is my life going? Is it ever going to get better or bearable? I just feel I have to push myself everyday to even do the simplest tasks. I am always tired and always want to sleep. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I feel as if I really don’t have a lot of people I can talk to because I am just a broken record. I just wish I could take someone’s sickness from them, or disease so that they can live. It would just be easier if I didn’t have to struggle everyday to get by. I am tired of faking a smile and trying to be happy. Its so hard when your insides are screaming, yet your outside is fake. I just wish my heart and mind matched what everyone sees . I know I have so many walls in my life that keep me from getting the healing or relief that I need. I am so afraid to even crack those walls down a little, because I fear I may become worse. I push people away even when what I really want is for them to be close. I isolate and say I want to be left alone, but what I really want is someone to knock on my door and just hold me when I am sad. I came across some old records last week from my stay at Madison Center. I was reading thru a few tests that they had me take to determine what kind of depression I had. As I read thru these my heart just melted. Basically it said I had major depression, but probably would not be ok for medicine because I need better coping skills. It’s true! My coping skills are what is killing me. I get angry. I eat my worries away, even though it doesn’t help. I put my mind in the “I don’t care, and don’t want help mode”. I have addictions that I cannot stop because of my past. I really don’t have a good coping skill. I really have tried positive coping skills, but it just doesn’t cut it. These coping skills are going to kill me or get me in a lot of trouble. I just want someone to understand. Someone to reach out, before I explode. I want someone to not judge me no matter what I tell them. I need help dealing with all of the strongholds in my mind from my past. I want to be loved and shown love. I want to love others without wondering if they just are nice because they know I have mental issues. I want to have a closer relationship with God, but I cant trust or have faith in anything. I just feel so lost and feel like im screaming for help, but no one hears me!