Week 3

Well- I am on week 3. I can definatly say that it is not what I expected. I thought I would come here and everything would be great, and I would be soo happy. Wow- was I wrong. I knew I didnt like change- but this is big big big change. It is going to take a long time to get use to this. I am working at Subway until I find something more permanent, and that pays some more. I only live with these roommates for another 2weeks- and then I have to find another place to live. I had an offer to live in a 2 bedroom apt with 1 other roommate, but I really think I need to be with more people in a home, so that I dont isolate, and lock myself in my room. I have a place that I can go- with 6 other girls. I would be sharing a room. My only downfall is that you have to pay 500 deposit and 300 for rent. That would be 800 out of my pocket at once- and I just dont want to do that- because then I would be left with very little. Hopefully God comes thru and helps me find a better job!!

I wont lie- I am struggling. I am having a hard time adjusting and being ok. I think it will better once I get into a core group and start to make friends. Its just hard because I go to work, and then come home and sit in my room all night. I dont think I have ever cried this much in my entire life. I just really need some strength and peace. Well thats pretty much all I have to say for now!

Seriously- What the heck am I doing wrong?

I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I am getting nowhere. I thought I was ok after I hung out with Ashley and Jenna. But its not better. It takes everything in me to not break down. I cant even hang out with anyone, because all I think about is how miserable I am. I am battling so many fights in my head. It really stinks when you can hear satans voice so much louder than God. I constantly hear- this isnt going to work, you are a failure and always will be, no one cares, no one loves you, just give up, you are a loser, you will never get to where you want to be, you are stupid, you never will amount to anything- those are just a few examples. I have soooo much negativity and I cant take it anymore. I ask God to hear him louder and to come close to me. I just need Him to hold me and show me the love He has. I just cant grasp it. I am so depressed and just wish I wasnt here anymore. I would never do anything to harm myself, but I just have those moments where i really think it would be better and easier if I were not here. I go to the services and they are really good, but then I get home and I am so much more depressed than I was. I see all these healings and happy people- and I want that soo bad. I just dont know what I am doing wrong. Why cant I have that. Why cant I be full? I am so empty. My love tank is empty and so bone dry that I wouldnt even know what to do with it if i had it. I just feel I am wearing my friend down- so I guess the best thing to do is isolate and leave them alone. They have there own stuff, and its not fair if I do that to them. Its prob best if I just dont have friends right now. AAAAHHHH I am so lost. And everyone says ask God, talk to God, be with Him- I really am trying but am getting nowhere! HELP