Thoughts.

Ok it has been 2 months since I have blogged. My life still pretty much remains the same. I have not taken any psych meds or sleeping pills since April. I went to the doctor, and both doctors dont like it because they say that my depression is major depression and its not just gonna go away. I told them I feel the same way on meds as I do without them, so there is no reason for me to be on meds and waste my money. I told them I am fully capable to call them if I need them. I also have not gone to counseling since April either. I am not gonna pay someone to tell me to change my negative thoughts into positive thoughts. I was doing fine for at least a month and a half, but lately I have gone back down into the pits. Somedays I dont have a clue why I feel this way, and other days it could be my past, or my mind. I feel as if I am always under attack. I dont think anyone really understands the misery that I go thru everyday. People think that depression is just your sad one min, and then it just suddenly goes away. Mine never goes away. Its always there, always in the back of my mind. I would like to say I have my good days, but a good day to me, is totally opposite of a good day for someone normal. I just want some peace. Its horrible to have your mind going so fast on negative thoughts, that you cant even concentrate or focus on anything but the negative thinking that is roaring thru my mind. I cant win. Even when I sleep I have these horrible dreams, and horrible flashbacks. I worry about everything under the sun. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I would love to say I just want to be me, but the only me that I know, is the miserable, unhappy, hopeless, ME!